How the Soul Sings

Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Seventeen

             I knew that my momma never expected me to be a goat farmer or herd sheep, anything of the sort. Aaron seemed to be reluctantly wedged into the family business, since he really had nothing else lined up to do. I was kinda in the same boat that summer that I graduated from high school. I hadn't applied to any colleges and honestly, I really didn't know what I wanted to do with my life yet. So, I decided to go on a road trip. Momma wasn't too keen on the idea of me traveling alone, but she knew that nothing was gonna stop me, even if it wasn't the brightest idea.

I dunno if it was out of morbid curiosity, but the first place I drove to was Texas to see if I could find Reid. Show up as a little blast from his past, to make him squirm and be nervous; I was almost freakin' giddy about it.

I was able to find his name and address in the phone book; I asked for directions when I stopped for gas. He was living in your typical blue collar neighborhood, in a small, boxy Depression Era house, no bigger than a couple of bedrooms. It was early in the afternoon when I pulled up. I sat in the car, parked across the street and I could see what I presumed was his wife and kids, playing in the backyard, through their chain link fence. She was blonde like me, and was bent over, chasing a couple of small children around a sprinkler on the grass. I could hear the kids squealing as she chased them; not only did they sound really happy, they looked it, too. My heart sank. It was like everyone I had ever loved had gone on with their happy lives and I wasn't even a memory in it. All I'd done this far was get a high school diploma. Everyone else had lives and here I was, still down on the farm, livin' like little Bo Peep, with nothing spectacular in the works. I wanted to be apart of someone's life, somebody's something special. Reid, Daniel, they'd gone off without me, they had plans that didn't include me; I wasn't good enough to be apart of anyone's anything good. All the boys I'd gone out with in school had moved on, were doing fantastic, exciting things without me. I was just a distraction for all of them, a blip on the radar, then poof! Gone. They see me and they see good enough for the time being, but nothing else...

Over Spring Break, I went out to California to see Daniel and Laura. They lived in a little town house not far from the Cal-Tech campus where Daniel was studying. Laura was working nights at a hospital, so Daniel could go to school during the day and that way, somebody was always home with the kids. By now, they had a boy in addition to Lily.

Throughout my stay, I caught glimpses of Daniel looking me over and trying to not be obvious about it. I was no longer a waif with a boyish figure. I had curves and actual breasts! And those Levi's of mine looked good on me, cradling my rear. They paired well with my t-shirt and its right amount of cling. The way he looked at me almost made you believe that in his head, he was drooling. Five years before, I would have hungrily ate up all of his attention, like a steak thrown to a starving dog. Now, I just laughed.

"What's so funny?" Daniel seemed surprised.

"You." I giggled. "Now you want me, but you can't have me." I nearly sang.

"Bullshit." Daniel declared, taking a sip of beer.

"Bullshit, what? That you think you can do whatever you want or bullshit that I'm wrong about you?" He grabbed my hand firmly by the wrist; I had been shaking my finger in his face, while sitting on the coffee table across from him. My eyes grew wide and afraid that I'd set him off. But then he pulled my hand close to his face and kissed the top, then turned it over and kissed my palm. A trail of kisses followed up my arm as he leaned in closer to kiss me, eventually kissing me along my neck. Neither one of us said anything. And looking back, I should have ended it right there.

Daniel slipped his hands under my shirt, pulling it off with my bra following. He began cupping my breasts, kissing and sucking them, his tongue circled around my nipples, while I unzipped his jeans; they pulled off as quickly as I was to get on top of his lap. I felt the tingling, sudden rush that comes from doing something tempting and forbidden. My body pulsated from feeling him inside of me. I gyrated over his hips, his hands grabbed my ass and he came up off the couch in a hard thrust before it was over. He collapsed against the couch, his eyes closed. I sat for a moment in dizzying shock before quickly scooping up my clothes and running for the bathroom. I quickly cleaned myself up and got dressed. I through a towel at Daniel while hurriedly grabbing my bag, then sprung out the front door. I could hear Daniel calling my name in a panic, behind me, as I ran down the street.

Daniel tried calling the house for me several times over the next few weeks after that, but I kept waving off his calls and hanging up on him whenever I answered and discovered that it was him on the other end.

I know that I was as much to blame for what happened, but my gut wouldn't stop screaming at me that I had just been used. He was married. He had two kids with her and I had hurt Laura deeply and in a horrible way, without her even knowing.

I hated myself.

I left El Paso like a ghost; in their presence, but no one knowing that I was even there. I didn't have the heart to wreck another happy family, so I never bothered to pound my way up to his front step and ring the doorbell. After how what happened with Daniel made me feel, I don't know what possessed me to think that seeing Reid was a good idea.

I was so confused about what I was doing. My feelings of shame and anger tore at my insides, I wished that Evee were here. I took what gas money I had left and drove until the tank was dry, ending up in Montana. I didn't know when I was coming home or if I really even wanted to. I knew if I called Momma, she'd somehow convince me to come home; she wouldn't hesitate to Western Union the money. I just wanted to disappear. To go far away from where my mistakes existed.