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[ There's a lot on my plate, but food is not.]
Requested by; -
Publish date; 25-05-2021
Word count; 401
TW; eating disorder
I personally felt uncomfortable writing this about a specific driver so I don't mention names in this chapter :)
He can't remember the turning point. If you would ask him he would say that one day he was eating and then the other he was not. That it happened overnight, but that wouldn't be true.
Because the truth was more complex.
That he was so busy with work, with throwing himself into data and talking strategies that he simply forgot until the hunger clawed at his stomach when he finally laid in bed and he couldn't be bothered enough to eat.
That the next day his PT told him he was building up muscle and his mind somehow translated it to 'good job losing weight.
That even though his Physio complimented him on losing some of the weight he had put on during the off-season. He still sees fat when he looks at the mirror.
That, sure, maybe the exact moment it developed into something more was hard to pinpoint, but the fact that it did was not.
Because lunch became calorie counting, dinner became excuses and breakfast seized to exist and when someone offered him food with warry eyes he took it. Only to throw it in the trash a second later.
And empty stomachs and dizzy heads became his new normal until he passed out during a workout session and he woke up with his PT hanging above him, eyebrows creased.
Until he knew for a fact that he was caught and suddenly the cry for help was right there, on the tip of his tongue and yet so far away.
"You're good?"
no, no I'm not. I need help. I'm fucking myself up and I'm a danger to myself and others.
"Yes. of course. Just got dizzy."
And if they knew it was a lie they didn't mention it.
Not until it happened in the fucking car, brought someone with him into the barrier and understandably got benched.
and maybe for the wrong reasons, the cry for help was back and the urge was stronger.
His physio didn't say anything when the 'i need help' softly left his lips.
