everywhere i go

29

yesterday i was feeling so emotional about the way you were treating me... i know there will always be things i want or need from you that i won't be able to have.... but i get so upset thinking about the ways in which i have been vulnerable to you, and what i received for it.... its not a transaction, vulnerability, and i ought to quit treating it that way. after all, i can ask you a million times a day how you are, and you can lie to me every time. when i come to you with my wounded honesty, it isn't a currency. you owe me nothing. 

you owe me nothing, but i want so much from you. i should stop making my needs relational to you. i need you to love me. i need to be loved. i need you to pay attention to me. i need attention. i need you to care for me. i need to be cared for.

but who's gonna do it if not you? i feel alone a lot of the time. i can't and i won't care for myself. i pollute myself constantly, i'm like a swamp, opaque and feverishly warm that way too. do you want my attention as much as i want yours? i think of you all the time... i feel that if you thought about me at all. you would be concerned for me, and i want to concern you... i want you to look at me like you see me. i need something to weigh me down.