everywhere i go

32

i think, looking back, it was never good. you loved me like a side hobby.

i wanted to be swallowed up with love. i wanted to be loved so hard breathing would hurt. i wanted you to hold me like the whole world was in your hands.

i guess it's my fault for not saying that, but in the end my fears were vindicated. i told you i needed more from you and you gave up because it was too much to ask.

i never wanted you to leave me, i just wanted you to love me.

but i am again alone and now knowing i am hard to love, unlovable, hard to hold, untenable, and hard to please, unappeasable. in the winter i wrote "what did i ever want? i will want less?" but now that summer wind is shaking my icy bones, i realize that even then, even when i wanted less, it was still too much. 

if i had not asked you for anything, you would still be with me. if i could have just waited out the spring months ... but you couldn't even promise me summer. when i told you i didn't feel like you loved me, you hesitated for such a long time before you said that you did. so long that i could not believe you when you said it.

you hurt my feelings every day for a year but i know now that i am unpleasable, unappeasable, and in thorough need of an open heart to pour my full one into. 

i think i'm going to leave this here. it's over now, summer is here and i feel better.