Depersonalization

6

The day was bright today. Sun shining in the sky, spreading its warmth in the cold city of Eirlys in outskirts of USA. I have lived my whole life in this city. The tall corporate building soaring in the sky, the small junction where ice creams were sold in a bright pink parlour. There was a toy shop just adjacent to the ice cream parlour. When I was young, I used to watch the toys in the display shelf from the outside. The pink colour dolls and red cars. Monkey with trumpets and kaleidoscopic dream catchers hanging from the ceiling. I used to look at them for many hours. My mismatched eyes sparkling in wonder when the airplane toy used to fly. I was once given a small soldier wearing green clothes sitting inside a tank. Although the toy looked old and there were many dents on the tank for me who was given a toy for the first time, I felt nothing but sheer joy. Every day I used to play with that toy, talking to the soldier inside the tank like one soldier to another. We used to solve missions together or go on an adventure every day in the city. The make-believe game used to make me extremely happy. However, mother did not like it, she hated the sound I used to make while playing, the happiness I showed her while having a simple thing made her red with jealousy and one day-

'Mommy! Why? Why did you do it? My toy? ......You broke it!' I cried Infront of his mother who felt no remorse

'Oh! shut up! You used to make so much noise while playing. It is better this way. Now shut up and go serve the costumer' my nonchalant mother said while filing her long nails. Not even looking at the crying child who was kneeling in front of the broken toy.

'Right mommy. I did not deserve it.'

I would hear the happy squeals of children of my age, hugging their parents, playing with their toys or demanding a new one. I felt resentment towards them. Their happy lives and my sad one. Their loving parents and my hateful one. The difference between me and the children were like night and day. My night forever in darkness and their day forever in light.

It has been five years since the nightmare had ended. Yet the wounds seemed so fresh. The time has stopped for me being trapped in the reality of my past while my present looked like a mirage to me. A lucid dream I was too afraid to wake up from.

I can still feel the suffocating feeling when I think about those days. I cannot shake this feeling so many nights I lay awake thinking what could have happened if I my mother loved me, cared for me and raised me like any child deserved. I did not deserve such a happy treatment. That was all that was she taught me.

I was so traumatized with the dream of the morning that I had not eaten anything. There was a time when I could go on without eating for days but now not even skipping a single meal made me sick. I felt my stomach burning up, unsure if what I felt was hunger or not. Five years have passed since this sensation resurfaced so somethings are bound to be forgotten

Climbing the stairs leading towards the corridor. I felt more and more tired. My throat became parched and lips turned dry. Even walking felt like an arduous task. I reached the classroom. The low big windows bringing sunlight illuminated his brown hair turning into honey colour. His cool blue eyes were looking outside the window in deep thought, the smell of lavenders wafted in the air, its calming smell cooled my burning temples. Marcellus sat on his seat near the window. I stopped and looked at Marcellus, drinking in every detail. From his red lips to his pale skin. The honey-coloured hair which were a little messy and longer than mine reaching a little above his shoulder at some places.

He truly is beautiful

Feeling the gaze Marcellus looked at me and smiled. His pearly white teeth showing beneath his rosy lips. I loved how Marcellus' eyes squinted when he smiled. He could not help but be elated himself. Some people really were like the sun that would tend to make other people's days bright.

Control ...He and I are not acquaintances I thought while deep down in the depths of my heart I wished that I could smile back at him. The emotional burden weighing on my shoulder lifting up and I could also flash such a warm smile back at him. However, if I was not for my pain, my existence would have perished long ago. This pain is what defines me and also shackles me.

'Hello. Good morning!'

'Yeah' that was all I could muster as I felt more and more tired. My eyes felt heavy and I suddenly wanted to drink some chilled coke since my throat felt like paper.

'Aziel, you don't look so good' a worried Marcellus asked me.

Hmm...this is the first time somebody is making such a face. Somehow it felt nostalgic.

'It is okay wake me up after some time.' I said while keeping my head on the cold desk. My flushed cheeks felt cold on the cold wood as I breathed the scent of lavender slowly lulling me to sleep. Closing my eyes, I felt Marcellus voice as a distant cry.