The Socialist Baby
Setting: A married couple sitting in their doctor's office
Dr. Shihtzu: "Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Beelzebub. How are you both doing today?"
Joseph and Mary Beelzebub: "Good, and you?"
Dr. Shihtzu: "Fine. Thanks for asking. Well, let's get right to it, shall we? I got the test results back and have some wonderful news for the two of you! You're going to have a baby! Congratulations!"
Mary: "Really?"
Joseph: "Yeah, doc - are you sure?"
Dr. Shihtzu: "I'm 100% positive. You two sound less than thrilled. It's pretty common for new parents to be nervous when they first discover they'll be having a baby. However, I have to ask - are you two certain you want to have this baby? We're at an early enough stage where abortion is still a legal option. If you're not wanting to go through that, but don't feel like you're ready to raise a child yet, you could also give the child up for adoption."
Joseph: "Abortion is murder, doc! There's no way we'll opt for that!"
Mary: "I agree."
Dr. Shihtzu: "That's fine. I was just pointing out that it was an option. What do you two want to do then?"
Joseph: "Well, I think we want to keep and raise the child ourselves, but just don't think the kid will be ready for the real world quite yet. I think we're both worried about that. Am I right, hun?"
Mary: "Oh, absolutely."
Dr. Shihtzu: "That's a common worry for new parents as well. Trust me, though - with the guidance of wonderful parents such as yourselves, one day your child will definitely be ready for the real world!"
Joseph: "I don't think you're understanding us here. Right after the child is born, we want it to live on its own."
Dr. Shihtzu: "I'm confused. So you do want to give the child up for adoption?"
Joseph: "No. Right after the baby's born, we want it to go out and get a job, buy a house, make a decent living, and make us proud. Right, honey?"
Mary: "That's right, sweetie."
Dr. Shihtzu: "Eh, that's not going to be possible, I'm afraid. There would be some serious legal ramifications for that."
Joseph: "Look, doc - we just don't want our kid to grow up being a socialist. Any kind of control my wife and I have over his life at any point will be bad. We can't have him growing up being solely dependent on us to survive. He's gotta make it on his own, whether he's 20 years old or 2 minutes old."
Dr. Shihtzu: "What about during the child's earliest stages? How will she be able to feed herself? To find shelter? To become educated? To earn money?"
Joseph: "I don't know. That's not our problem. She needs to become a responsible, independent adult, and not some moocher that sucks from my wife and I's tits."
Dr. Shihtzu: "I beg your pardon?"
Joseph: "You heard me..."
Mary: "Doc - what are we supposed to do? If we feed our baby, she'll wind up with food stamps! If we buy things for her, she'll always be on welfare! If we provide her shelter, she'll never leave! We're just trying to do the good Christian thing and raise our baby right."
Dr. Shihtzu: "By not raising him at all..."
Joseph: "Do you gotta problem, doc?"
Dr. Shihtzu: "Yes, actually, but that's besides the point. Let me ask you two something - have either of you ever gotten government assistance for anything?"
Joseph and Mary: "No!"
Dr. Shihtzu: "Never? Have either of you been on Medicaid?"
Joseph: "Still am."
Dr. Shihtzu: "Have you ever gotten student loans?"
Mary: "Yes."
Dr. Shihtzu: "Okay then - so you both have received government assistance at certain points in your lives - actually, it sounds like you've received some kind of assistance for pretty much all of your lives..."
Joseph: "But that's different..."
Mary: "We just don't want our child to grow up like us and have to go through all that we did."
Dr. Shihtzu: "That's understandable. How do you feel your lives would be different if your parents did to you what you plan on doing to your child, and letting you go out on your own from day one?"
Joseph: "I'd be a better man - stronger, more responsible, and definitely more smarter!"
Dr. Shihtzu: "How would you have survived on your own without some form of assistance from your parents?"
Joseph: "I would have gotten a job as a doctor, bought a car, bought a house, and..."
Dr. Shihtzu: "Where would you have gotten the money necessary for the car and house?"
Joseph: "From my high-paying job, of course! You should know that, doc!"
Dr. Shihtzu: "Okay - how would you have gotten yourself a job as a doctor without the proper education?"
Joseph: "I would have educated myself. Like I said - I'd be way more smarter today if my parents had left me at the hospital!"
Dr. Shihtzu: "So, you say you would have bought a car. How would you have driven it? You have to be a few years older than that of a newborn in order legally drive an automobile."
Joseph: "I would have found a way."
Dr. Shihtzu: "How would you have been able to see over the steering wheel? Been able to place your foot on the gas or the brake?"
Joseph: "I'd pray and it would then happen."
Dr. Shihtzu: "How big were you as a baby?"
Joseph: "A couple pounds. I was born pretty early."
Dr. Shihtzu: "So, you're telling me that a two-pound baby such as yourself would have been fine with operating a motor vehicle?"
Joseph: "Yeah - definitely!"
Dr. Shihtzu: "I'm thinking you'd need more than prayers to accomplish that feat! Alright, well, I honestly can't take much more of this. I think I'm going to need to leave early today, do several shots at a bar, and have a taxi take me home..."
Joseph: "A taxi? You socialist!"
Dr. Shihtzu: "I wasn't finished. Before I do that, I will be calling an excellent doctor in the area for the two of you. I'm going to request that he gives you both an extremely thorough psychiatric evaluation. After he's completed that, we'll just take things from there - likely at the asylum not far from here…"
Joseph: "Wait - psycho what? Evolution?"
Dr. Shihtzu: "No, Joseph - in fact, I think you have single-handedly made me rethink things regarding evolution. Anyway, I hope you two have a great rest of your afternoon. That doctor I told you about - Dr. Zap - will be in touch here shortly, and in more ways than one I'm guessing. Take care."
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