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𝐝𝐞𝐞𝐩𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐟𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐬

you wouldn't think natasha romanoff was scared. she's the one everybody else is scared of, if anything. she's confident, independent, altruistic, bold. she appears to have everything together, driven by her stoicism.

yet behind her confident, strong facade, she is absolutely and genuinely terrified.

BUT HER DEEPEST FEARS ARE A VITAL PART OF WHO SHE IS.

1. clearly your friend is fine. . . HER VULNERABILITY.
she hates being vulnerable. she thinks it's her weakness, although she has been conditioned to think this way. so, she will do anything she can to build up her walls of steel and not let anybody in. she tries to remain stoic, tough, pretend she's coping, but in reality, each day she gets closer and closer to her bottle of emotion exploding and causing her to break. it's partly why she's so reluctant to open up to people, because the world sees her as this confident, cold, callous deadly assassin. as well as this, her analytical mind lives in constant fear that people will use her vulnerable side to catch her out or break her down, use those fears and emotions against her. so, she finds it better to not open up at all. but the truth is, she can actually find strength in her vulnerability, if she was willing to channel it.

2. i'm trying to save your life, you idiot. . . PEOPLE SHE CARES ABOUT BEING HURT.
even if on the surface she's scared to show it, natasha cares. deeply and truly. this is most obvious when it comes to yelena belova, clint barton and steve rogers. but, the same goes for all of her friends and allies. she would hate herself and carry the weight of blame on her back if anything ever happened to them. for this reason, she is extremely protective. perhaps sometimes it can be overbearing, but it spawns from her fear and desire to keep those she loves safe from harm. especially since they are constantly surrounded by people out to hurt them, stuck in constant danger. alternatively, this fear can also make her pull away before people have the chance to get close. that way, she won't have to care so deeply about them and she can't hurt them, or they can't get hurt because of her.

3. love is for children. . . FALLING IN LOVE.
this one and the previous one are kind of intertwined. natasha believes that she is incapable of love, or that she doesn't deserve to be loved. for a woman who has never experienced genuine love in her life, it's understandable. this ties in closely with her fear of the people she cares about getting hurt, and her fear of vulnerability. in her mind, being close to someone and letting the world know that she has someone she loves so dearly, will only paint a big, bold, red target on their back for enemies to exploit and get the batter of natasha. because as soon as someone she loves is in danger, she's ready to give up everything to save them. even her life. to open herself up to love is something she never thought possible. a killer, an assassin, an agent, where is there room for love in a life like hers? she fears not being able to put enough time or energy into loving someone, or again, linking back to thinking herself incapable of love, that she simply wouldn't know how to act in a committed relationship. she believes that she is better off alone, therefore the only person she can hurt, disappoint, or let down, is herself.

4. at some point we all have to choose. between who the world wants you to be, and who you are. . . PEOPLE KNOWING WHO SHE REALLY IS / FINDING OUT MORE ABOUT HER.
in her own words, she has lived a lot of lives. assassin, agent, avenger, sister, friend, enemy. natalie rushman, natalia alianovna romanova, the black widow, natasha romanoff. she is like a chameleon, blends and changes depending on her surroundings, situations and who she's with. she's never the same person, everyone has a different idea of her in their head than who she really is. that's because no one knows who natasha, or natalia, really is. not even herself. she has a distorted sense of reality and sense of self, she's been so many different things to so many different people. sure, her job requires it and she was raised and trained to be able to do it this way, but those habits weaved their way into her personal life too. she feels like a fraud. the real natasha is curled up in the dark. she's vulnerable, scared and emotional. but the world has a completely different vision of who she is, who they want her to be. a hero, a saviour, an avenger. but that's not who she really is at all.

5. i got red in my ledger, i'd like to wipe it out. . . HER PAST.
similar to the previous one. her past is the catalyst for all her trauma. the red room, her 'graduation ceremony', her history as an assassin, all the lives she's taken, the things she's done, the people she's hurt. all that red in her ledger. any reminder of any of that part of her life, flashbacks, nightmares, anything provoking those memories, will send her into a state of fear and will shake her completely. she pushes it away, trying to separate herself from the person she used to be. trying to make amends. whenever she's faced with the possibility of people finding out about what she did, she'll shut herself away. she'll do anything to avoid confronting that dark past of hers. she's been running from it for a long time.