A Few Words ~ Gruvia~

6. Hard to love

                    Gray Fullbuster

The pain that had begun as a void in my chest now 6 days later feels like  razor blades cutting through me.
It feels as  I've entered a state of permanent dejection.

Even beating up Natsu doesn't sound fun anymore. He wasn't even spending time at the guild anyways . The day Juvia arrived , Natsu had finally asked Lucy to be his girlfriend infront of the entire guild. Ofcourse Lucy had agreed and now both of them were away from the guild quite often to go on 'dates'.
Honestly , I am really  happy for both of them but in my current state I couldn't quite express it. All I did was congratulate them and greet them when we met at the guild.

Sounds of numerous insects and birds become audible as the sun starts setting in the west. I had spent the entire  day sitting next to the river, the presence of  flowing water proving to be somewhat relaxing.

I didn't visit the guild, I couldn't. I didn't want to see Juvia  . Ever since the day she returned , she didn't resume being her own self again . Well, atleast not for me.
She avoided me like plague and whenever I did manage to talk to her , she never looked at me and her replies were short and to the point.
She clearly didn't want anything to do do with me.

I made the girl I love hate me.
Wait ..love?
I don't love....

A bitter chuckle escapes my lips. Who am I kidding? I love Juvia and even though I never accepted it,  I always  knew it. I knew it since the very damn beginning.

It was  Juvia's fatal injuries in our last mission together that had triggered my nightmares. I didn't want to lose her like I lost everyone else I loved.
The only reason I had been in the rain that day was because being in the rain felt like being close to Juvia.
And the reason why I'm here , next to water again is because it gives me a sense of connection to Juvia.

But it doesn't matter now .
Juvia doesn't like me anymore.

I screwed up badly. And now I'll have to suffer the consequences of being a coward to not express my feelings.

" Thinking about Juvia?" I hear Erza's voice.
I look towards my left to find Erza and Natsu sitting next to me. When did they settle down next to me, I have no clue. They must've found me thanks to Natsu's nose.

" No , what makes you think that?" There I go again, lying and lying about my feelings.

" Don't lie Gray , every one in the guild has noticed how  Juvia is  ignoring  you. She wasn't even at the guild today.What happened?" She unusually calm.

I wonder if I should lie again, but make up my mind against it. I already lost what was important, it just doesn't matter anymore.
" I may have told Juvia that she should give up on me because I am annoyed by her stalker like habits , unwanted gifts and creepy food with my face on it."

Natsu looks absolutely pissed .
" You're a jerk popsicle." He says.
I silently agree with him.

Erza however does not look really angry. " I understand Gray. All that Juvia does is overwhelming for you. But do you realise why she does so? Tell me Gray how open are you when it comes to your feelings? How freely do you express your emotions? " She waits for an answer and I have none.
" Then doesn't it make sense why Juvia thinks she'll have to try hard to get your attention?"

She's right.
I'm hard to love. But Juvia still loved me. She tried her best.

" Do you love her ? " Her question catches me by surprise even though it shouldn't.

I look at river in from of me , it's bathed in the vibrant red and orange colour of the evening .
" It's too late." Even saying the words feels so painful.

I feel Natsu grip my shoulders firmly.
" No it's not. "

" She doesn't want to look at me. Everytime I try to talk to her , she makes an excuse and leaves." I sound desperate and that's exactly what I am.

" You'll go apologize to her. You'll man up and  confess your feelings. Got it ?"

" She doesn't love me anymore." My heart shatters into pieces once again as I hear my own self say those words.

This time Erza speaks up." Is that why you love her? Because she loves you?"

" Of course not. She's loyal and kind hearted. She's a strong wizard who knows how to win . A better friend and guild mate than her could've never existed. She's so selfless that she won't hesitate to give up her own life for the guild. She's confident , she's beautiful , she's everything I could ever ask for. She's honest with her feelings and says exactly what she feels. She's got a smile that makes my heart skip a beat. I love her because ...she's Juvia." It wasn't the ice cold Gray who said these words , it was raw passion  and emotion.
I honestly don't know if  what I said made any sense , but I do know that I meant each and every word.

" Then go get her. You can't give up on her when she chased you for so long. " The way that Natsu says it , with his signature confident grin gives me hope. Erza  is smiling too.

They're right.
It's my turn to show Juvia that I love her. I can't let her go.
I love her and I'll make sure she knows it.

" Erza , can I get entry in the Fairy Hills ? For today? I need to talk to Juvia."

" You know that-"

" You can't back out now. You know how much Juvia means to me."

She's conflicted . But agrees to it anyways , the condition being that she'll be there with me when I enter her room and will stand outside the door to 'gaurd' us.

********

Erza and I walk rather silently towards Juvia's room. We don't bother to hide ourselves because almost every one must be at the guild or on a job at this time.

With another streak of my rotten luck , we find Juvia's room locked. She isn't here and she wasn't even in the guild.

Where could she be?

" Gray she's not here and we don't know when she'll return . "

" I don't mind waiting for her infront of her room." I try my best to persuade her.

But Erza being Erza is not convinced ."It's better if you leave for now. We can't risk anyone seeing you here. We're already breaking a lot of rules."

She won't listen to me , I know. Releasing a deep breath, I walk out of the Fairy Hills .

" Talk to her at the guild tomorrow. I'll help you ." She says , returning to her own room.
I can't help but feel that Erza didn't want me to stay there for long for reasons more than rules and regulations.

But I have no choice.