I would never {L.S.} Finished

Chapter 1

Harry's pov

Today is March 25th, 2015, and I have never felt more alone. Today was Zayn's last day with us. Zayn was the only one in the band who really knew me.

I was chastised and brutalized because the media is apparently convincing. The boys wouldn't believe me anyway. It's also probably because Louis tells them that he believes it, and they value his opinion over mine. But then again, so do I.

Before Zayn left, they weren't as open with there distaste, because Zayn was there to soften the blow. Now that he's gone, I don't know what will happen.

On camera the boys tolerate me, but off camera they usually don't even look at me. Another thing only Zayn knows about, is my "problems".

I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety for awhile, but my therapist just told me she thinks I have an eating disorder. Honestly I wouldn't disagree at all, I just came to terms with it, but it just sucks.

Zayn promised to call to check in every day, so I know I have someone if it gets really bad. I'm glad, because I don't know if I would be able to handle it otherwise.

It still makes me feel awfully guilty, but I know Zayn would be really upset if I said something about it.

Liam and Niall are a bit better than Louis, and I hate it. Not because they are better, but because Louis is worse. You see, I love Louis. I'm in love with Louis.

But he's with Eleanor, and he can't stand me anyways. I wish I could hate Eleanor, Louis too, but Eleanor is a nice girl, and I can't help but be in love with Louis.

I rub my face to find it wet, and realize I've been crying, but what else is knew?

I sigh and go to take a shower. I don't look in the mirror, in fear of what I know is there. A disgusting person, with a disgusting body.

I strip and step into the shower, sighing as the water cascades down my body. Peace and quiet, without the intrusive thoughts.

I know as soon as I step out, they'll be back. But as long as they aren't here now, I'm okay. Well, not okay, but at peace, in a way.

I chance a look at my blade and sigh. I know I'll do it eventually, so I grab it. I slice it into my skin, until a line of red is there. I do the same to my other arm and sigh.

Sweet release. The tension is lessened, and I feel much better. A new cut to the collection. I feel it's something to be proud of.

I know if I was normal then I wouldn't have to do it, but I'm not normal and it just shows that I'm alive. Physically anyway.

I know I have to get out of the shower, because my fingertips are pruning, so I step out and dry myself off.

I step in front of the sink and bend over to grab the bandages i have there.

I quickly bandage myself up, and before I can stop myself, I look in the mirror.

What a mistake. Looking in the mirror, and what's in the mirror.

Disgusting

Fat

Ugly

Another sigh. Oh well, what can you do? I thought.

I can't change what's in the mirror, trust me I've tried. And I know I'm too far gone to think differently so it's just a matter of time before I leave. Leave this life.

I leave the bathroom and check the time on my phone. 10 pm.

If we were still on X-factor, before everything happened, the boys and I would've watched a movie or played games.

But those days are over. Now and forever. I miss Zayn so much.

I guess he'll call me tomorrow.

What a fucking joke. You need someone checking up on you every day? You're such a little bitch. Can't even take care of yourself. Pathetic. A voice inside my head says to me.

Yeah, I agree.

Sarah, is what I named the voice inside my head. My therapist said that I named her to make it easier to separate those thought from normal ones.

She keeps me in check, but sometimes she gives me a headache and I just wanna curl up into a ball, and die.

But what else is new?