I would never {L.S.} Finished

Chapter 6

Last chapter was short, my bad.

Harry's pov

I woke up to knocking this morning. Confused, I open the door.

The door opens and Zayn comes in.

"Did you miss me?" He asks excitedly.

"Of course I did, Zaynie!" I giggle. Already more awake.

We hug a bit, and we start a conversation.

"So, Haz," he starts, "have you um, brought her out since I've been gone?" He asks seriously.

I sigh. Her being the girl inside me. Not Sarah, she's the voice inside my head. Her means the feminine part of me.

I felt more comfortable referring to that part of myself like it was an entirely different person. It helps me feel unattached to that.

I also don't have small things to be feminine so after awhile of being masculine, I just have to get dressed up and act like myself. It's actually very therapeutic.

I shake my head. "No" I said.

"Aww Haz, why not?" He asks.

"I didn't feel comfortable enough without you. She lives in daydreams with me, but that's all." I say sadly.

"Haz do you want to do it now that I am here?" He asks kindly.

I nod. After awhile I start to feel safer to be me. I changed into her clothes and I allowed myself to be me. She is me.

The real me.

I was insecure about feeling this way until I told my closest friends and they supported me.

When I was finished changing, I was wearing a pink skirt, a white tank top, lip gloss, mascara, and I had bows in my hair.

I felt so free to be me.

"Thank you Zee, so much." I said gratefully.

"Of course Haz. You should be yourself more often you know." He said.

"Yeah I know, but I can only do it when I feel comfortable." I say softly.

He smiles "I'm glad I make you feel comfortable" He says.

We hang out for a bit and he puts his stuff back where it should be. I'm glad it's Saturday so we don't have anything to do.

"Zaynie?" I say after awhile.

"Yeah Haz?" He asks.

"Tomorrow I'm gonna meet my new friend Mia. You're gonna come with me right?" I ask hopefully.

"Yeah of course, if you want me to." He says reassuringly.

"Yeah I want to tell her about this part of me."

"That's great Haz, I haven't seen you this comfortable with someone in a long time. I like it." He says.

We continue talking and at lunch time he says we should go somewhere.

"I have to change though." I say quietly looking down.

"I know Haz, but as soon as we get back you can change again." He says.

I change and we head to the restaurant. I then realize I have to eat.

I look at the menu and nothing seems small enough. I sigh. Zayn starts to notice my dilemma.

"Haz, please eat something, you're worrying me." He says.

I nod and decide to get spaghetti.

After we order we sit and talk a bit until the food gets there.

"So Haz, how have you been dealing with everything?" He asks sincerely "I saw your cast. What happened?"

"I went outside the venue without Paul and the fans stepped on it accidentally." I sigh.

"Aww, Haz. How are the um, the problems going?" He asks.

"Um, I don't know. It was alright the first day, happiest day I've had in years to be honest. But the other days were some of the worst, after what Louis said, I couldn't look at myself." I say softly.

"Haz, you shouldn't let him do that to you." He says genuinely.

"But that's the thing. I agreed with him. Everything he said was true. I was lying to myself when I said I was an alright person. I'm not. I'm nothing." I say.

"Haz that's not true. You're a wonderful person! So many people would agree with me!" He says.

"I was looking on twitter, and there would be so many people who disagree." I say back.

"Those aren't good people! If they have to bring someone else down just to feel better they aren't worth your time." He states.

I shake my head "no, you're wrong. I'm nothing. I'm less than nothing. I should just kill myself. Do everyone a favor." I say almost starting to cry.

"Harry, you only deserve to be happy." He says.

I nod even though I don't believe him. I'm a mistake.

You are. I'm glad you're finally fully self-aware. Can you imagine what Louis would say if he knew about her.
He would be mortified. A grown man who dresses in women's clothing? Gross.

Yeah.

The food gets here and I have a couple bites before I'm full. After eating so little for so long my appetite is shrunk.

We talk a bit until Zayn is finished and then Zayn pays saying 'I've got to be a proper gentlemen, and pay' and we head back to the hotel.

We go to my hotel room and I hear,

"What the fuck is this shit?"