The Darkest Swan

Chapter 9

-𝓖𝓮𝓷𝓮𝓿𝓲𝓮𝓿𝓮-

"Truth or dare?" Beatrix asks Sara as the 4 of us sit on the terrace, next to the big glass windows that take up the majority of this room. I can see the whole city from here. The people look like ants. I should really take more time to sit up here.

I laugh hysterically. "Isn't this a kid's game?" I take a sip of my beer.

"It will be fun..." She draws out, making a begging gesture

"Alright, fine. Truth." Sara says, holding onto Beatrix's hand. It's so cute it makes me incredibly jealous. I want someone like Sara.

"Boring." Lionel blurts.

"Hmm, let me think." She puts a finger to her chin like she's thinking really hard. Lionel leans over, whispering something in her ear. They snicker like children.

"Where's the weirdest place you've done it?" Beatrix asks her girlfriend. This really is a children's game.

"Public restroom, duh." She eyes Beatrix like she knows first hand. They peck each other on the lips, laughing.

"Get a room." I interrupt.

"Alright, my turn to ask." Sara turns to Lionel. "Lionel, Truth or dare."

He pretends to think about it. "Dare." Lionel always picks dare. He's a show off.

She smiles. "I dare you..." She turns to me, lips turning up in a devious smile. "To give Genevieve a hickey."

"Haha, very funny." I cross my arms.

"Come on, you gotta do it." She taunts.

Lionel looks at me, rolling his hazel eyes. He takes a big sip of his beer, shoving it into Sara's hands. He kinda shrugs like 'why not'.

"Make it good." Lionel and I look at Beatrix, tilting our heads in complete judgment. "What? It's truth or dare." She responds.

He gets on his hands and knees crawling toward me in a proper show of the hilariousness that's about to happen.

I giggle when he shoves his knee between my legs, leaning above me. He shoves my shirt down my arm, giving him full exposure to the part of my neck that meets my collar bone.

"Is it getting hot in here?" Sara fans herself dramatically.

I roll my eyes. "Get it over with." I tilt my head and he swoops down to the crook of my neck.

He nonchalantly puts his hand underneath my ear, swiping his thumb across my cheek while he sucks and pulls at the skin on my neck. He's surprisingly good at it. He's probably had too many partners not to be.

He pulls back, looking at his masterpiece. The girls clap in the background making wooing sounds.

"Oh no." I slap my hand to my forehead. "I'm gonna have to wear a turtleneck tomorrow."

"That's what you get for agreeing to play." He shrugs. "It's a dirty dirty game when it wants to be."

"Too dirty for Gem." Beatrix chimes in.

I scoff. "That's unfair." I cross my arms. "I can be dirty."

Lionel grunts. "The dirtiest thing you've ever done is losing your virginity on our high school football field."

"Well, that's something at least," I claim. "One of us has to be un-tainted."

"Babe, tainted is fun." Beatrix comments.

"Sex is not something to be afraid of Gemma. It's meant to be enjoyed." Lionel remarks. That works for some people, but for me, I don't care either way. It's not like it's essential to living. I could do without it. They just don't understand me.

"I agree. It's just not for me I guess." I shrug, feeling a little out of place. I love my friends but sometimes they make everything so complicated. It's okay not to have everything figured out, right?

"It's only good when you're doing it with the right person." Lionel says, speaking to the group. Whatever, I've heard this bullshit ten times before.

"Once you've done it the right way you won't be able to get enough." Sara agrees.

"It's an itch that can only be scratched by one person." Lionel sips his beer.

"What is this? An interrogation." I scoff standing up.

"Come on, don't be such a prude. We didn't mean it like that." Beatrix comments.

I laugh bitterly. "I'm going to bed." I try putting as much venom in my voice as possible. That was crossing the line. There's no reason for her to resort to name-calling.

Lionel groans as I turn away. "Now you've made her upset." Lionel whispers as I walk up the stairs.

"Not upset, just tired." I yell at them.

Tired, annoyed, and frustrated. I feel like I'm not good enough for them. I know it's not their fault, but I hate not fitting in. I'm always the odd one out when it comes to these conversations.

How can everything seem so perfect but be so miserable? I'm selfish and stuck up I know. I've got my start. I've got my foot in the door, yet I still don't feel whole. What am I doing wrong here?

It's been three whole weeks since I got in and I've basically succumbed to the fact that professional ballet will suck all the happiness out of me before I even make a mark on the damn industry. I want my mother to be proud of me. I want to have something in common with my friends. I need to get through the next year at least. I'll be happy when I've accomplished something. I know I will.

I must have some chemical imbalance because I can't truly appreciate the step up I've been given. People would kill to be in my position, yet I'm miserable and I can feel myself falling behind. It sucks when you have to work ten times harder than everyone else around you just to keep your position in life. It's draining and impossible unless you're a superhuman. Like my mom was.  

That's the fear though. I'll never measure up to her.