Looking Back is Blinding

Family

I had wished I could stay there longer. Maybe I would have found a solution to my problems. Maybe more than just resolve, maybe peace. 
But that dragon forced me out.  That place. It was hell.
My life is hell, but that, that was worse.

I was pulled away from my thoughts when my cellphone rang. I looked to see who was calling. It was dad.
It's been two weeks since I ran away and hid in my cousin's cabin. Two weeks since I was sucked in there. Fearing the fury he would project at me, I didn't pick up.

A few minutes later, the phone leaves me a notification:
"You've got 5 new voicemails!" 
I reluctantly pressed play all and raised the volume before crashing onto my bed.

"Hey Salman. It's dad. Where are you? Are you ok? We got a report from school that you weren't ok. How about you call me back?"

Of course, they wouldn't have noticed unless they were notified.
I sighed heavily, feeling more hurt the more I thought about it.

"Hey Salman? Are you away with your friends? You haven't been home in two days. Please please call me back, we're worried sick"

"Hey Salman. I hope you're safe. It's been a week. The cops are looking everywhere, they'll find you eventually, I hope to god. Look, we went through your stuff"

"Crap! I cringed at the thought of my parents reading through my journal entries, I let out all of my feelings there.

"Why didn't you tell us what was going on?" he paused, as if waiting for an answer. I heard a cough.
"Anyways, your mom is here."
"Hello" a gentle voice whispered through my phone
"Hey sweetheart, I hope you're doing well. Please call us back. Your father and I can't sleep at all!" she said, I could hear sorrow in her laugh
"I won't take much of your time, but eat well and sleep early, okay? I know you can handle yourself well. You're a man now after all" I could imagine the funny face she would be making as she said that. She always teased me ever since I grew taller than her.

Then the next voicemail started.
"Salmaaaaaaaaan!" I heard Omar shout
"Come baaack, we miss you! By the way, I learned how to play our little song while you were gone on the guitar! Ok, dad is telling me to put the phone down now, Come back from your trip! Bye bye!" 
I chuckled,
Then, the final voicemail started...

"Hey, Salman" My dad's voice was broken.
"I used to think that you were fine. You always acted ok, and you never complained. I know our conditions aren't the best. We're not home, you're all alone and you feel like you have to be your best. But you know... We're here for you. If anything is wrong, you should come and tell us
We're here to help you before things get out of hand, you shouldn't hide anything from us." He paused
"Things might never be the same, but I had to adapt too. And you know what made it easier? Coming back home to family. To my children, who I couldn't be prouder of"

"I could never be any prouder of you. With every day you become better and better. It brings me joy to see you grow out to be who you are. And I know I sometimes push you, because I see this spark in you, it's so bright and you can do so much with it. But I guess you never know how much you haven't said to a person until they're gone. You start to regret not having told them how much they mean to you until they're gone" I heard him cough

At that very moment I realised what my dad meant when he once said to me "You can never love me as much as I love you. No one can ever love you as much I do"
All this time, I pushed everyone away, expecting them to ask. But I never showed any sign of weakness. I never let anything out. It just continued to build up until I couldn't hold it in anymore.

I didn't know what to do.
I loved my dad, I loved my family. No one could ever replace them. Then, why did I run away like that? 
"Stop thinking about the past if you're not learning from it" I heard Leo in my head.

Looking back is blinding.
Tomorrow, I'd pack my bags and head home.
I don't know what to expect when I head back home. I don't know what to do with my emotional mess. But if there's someone who knows how to take me in, it'll be them.

I can see clearly now
The rain has gone
I accept all the things that I cannot change
Gone are the dark clouds
The dawn has come