TW!!! : mention of suicide
I was with him. We sat on a huge Field in the middle of nowhere .Beautiful,bright,huge flowers around us. It was a place full of peace. No cars, no other humans just me and Harry and the silence. He looked so happy, I was so happy. But I've always asked myself if the love he gave me was real.
His touches.
His Kisses.
The comfort he gave me while hugging.
But none of it was real.
I talked to myself exhaled and wrote every thought into my diary.
At that time I was at a place full of imagination also known as "dreams".
I've never craved this much love in my life. But I'm asking myself why?
Why do I crave love? I don't even know how love feels. I don't really have a romantic connection to Harry but I keep having this dream. Over and Over. Day over Day. I haven't heard of him for a while now. Maybe it's better. This dream has to be some sort of sign.
After I had that dream I just sat on my balcony and thought. A thing I do too much. I sat there,the wind was blowing through my brunette hair and there was lots of traffic. In that moment i didn't know what I felt or why I felt that way. It was just a dream and I was overdramatic. But if I overthink I get into a lot of details. If you think"normally" you would never get into this much of an detail.
All I hoped for was a sign of Harry. A feeling told me that he's doing good but there is something behind it.
Why am i feeling so? numb. Numb, a word that crosses my mind too often.
numb (of apart of the body) deprived the power of physical sensation.
I let my head fall to my knees.
There is always a storm of sadness coming in as soon as I don't see someone in a while. Currently being overdramatic.
Distraction,Distraction,Jaq.
I lift my head up.
As spontaneous as I am, I just threw on some clothes on and walked. I hope that she could help.
I got there and surprisingly she was there.
"Hey Celeste" she said in a higher tone.
"Hello Jaq".
"Is something wrong? You look very- pale " She looked worried.Jaq being worried is a rare thing.
"That dream I've been telling you about. It happened again. I don't know why but I always feel so crashed after, I can't explain this feeling to myself. It's very strange and I'm stuck. Stuck on feeling nothing, stuck on-."
" Celeste don't you get it?" she cut me off wich means something serious is about to happen.
" What do you mean don't you get it?".
"All you think about is love. Love, Love, Love. Don't you get that life isn't all about love?,that there is other stuff that is way more important than love? You're always romanticising about love imagine how crushed you'll be after a breakup. You'll get into a Hospital. You don't even know what love is nor how it feels like, what is love good for? absolutely nothing"
" I guess you're right Jaquline" I mumbled
" No-no I Didn't mean it that way".
" Why did you say it then? Who was the one that told me to"get to know someone or get with someone ". That doesn't mean that I have feelings for Harry I'm just repeating your words.
