Life is unfair.
It favours some people and laughs in the face of others. But I guess life never promised to be fair, just kind of offhandedly mentioned that it was a possibility. Still, if life decides to laugh in your face while giving out natural...
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
I spend the next week or so trying to figure out my sexuality. Well. Kind of.
At the beginning of this project, I start out with the mindset of 'confirming my straightness'. This seems like it should be pretty simple. Look at hot girls. Be attracted to them. Done.
And I mean, yeah. To a certain degree, this works. I look at hot girls. It's enjoyable. But then I try and take it a step further and think about, I don't know, dating them. Touching them, kissing them, doing... stuff with them. And it just doesn't come to mind that readily, and then when it does I have this weird knee-jerk reaction to shove it away as fast as possible. I tell myself it's because I'm in public. But then when I'm not in public... it's not actually any easier to tolerate the idea.
So then I starting to get a little nervous. I spend a whole day and sleepless night convincing myself that I am straight, really. I've liked girls my whole life. Liked looking at them, thinking about them. But I know my arguments to convince myself of this are flawed, since I don't actually try and prove my straightness to myself by enjoying the thought of girls. I just tell myself that I have for my whole life and that hasn't changed.
Knowing that I'm operating under flawed logic, I abandon the whole idea in an attempt for my straightness to set in once again. But then, one night, about two weeks after starting this whole 'discover my sexuality/ convince myself I'm straight' thing, I find my thoughts straying to Axel. And before I can stop myself I'm imagining what it would be like to kiss him, touch him...
And well. I mean. Let's just say that's a lot more enjoyable than thinking about girls.
Of course, this brings up another issue. Apparently, I like Axel. Which. No. He's my friend, and just because he's gay does not in any way mean that he likes me. Sure, he trusted me enough to tell me things that he hasn't told anyone outside of his family and fake ex-girlfriend. That doesn't mean anything.
So I've just discovered that I might not be as straight as I thought I was, and before even letting myself begin to get even remotely adjusted to this pretty decent sized switch, I've found myself a crush. A crush on a guy.
Which, judging by my previously unnamed weird longing to be around him at pretty much all times, may have been a thing for longer than I've thought.
This is terrifying.
Like, I have so many scary thoughts. What if I'm actually just imagining all of this because of some kind of subconscious suggestion that Keira gave me in that conversation? What if I'm actually straight but convincing myself that I like Axel instead because I'm close with him? What if I am gay but don't have a crush on Axel and just think that I do because he's the only other gay guy that I know? How did Keira know that I'm gay before I did? If she hadn't assumed that, then would I have ever noticed? Am I a terrible person for wondering if I'm gay when I might actually be straight, or having tried to convince myself that I'm straight when I might be gay, or for wondering if Keira somehow turned me gay by thinking I might be gay, or for maybe having a gay crush on Axel because he's the only gay guy I know?
