Life is unfair.
It favours some people and laughs in the face of others. But I guess life never promised to be fair, just kind of offhandedly mentioned that it was a possibility. Still, if life decides to laugh in your face while giving out natural...
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Being in a closeted relationship with Axel under normal circumstances isn't really that hard. I mean, the closeted part. The relationship part, obviously, is really good. I like him a lot, and knowing that he likes me and getting to kiss him and play love songs on his piano for him is amazing. But hiding it isn't as difficult as I was expecting. I mean, neither of us are really out, and the people who know about one of us being gay don't know about the other, so they all kind of assume it isn't really a possibility. We don't hang out a school a ton- though, we do start to a bit more, in the company of both our friend groups.
Cody fits in pretty well with the popular rich kids. I wasn't too worried- the reason why he has no friends aside from Keira and I is mostly because he's too smart for other people. He's good with social stuff too, though, so I wasn't concerned that he'd be super awkward or uncomfortable around the popular kids. He gets along well with Axel, Peyton, and Daily, as well as a few other guys that are usually there as well (they're not in band, so I have no idea what their names are- I need some sort of instrument association to remember names easily). Cody especially likes getting to hang out with all the hot girls, though Keira berates him for that mindset on a daily basis- I think he might just be doing it partially to bug her at this point.
Anyways. None of our friends have any idea that Axel and I are in a relationship, now. We don't act that differently around each other- I'm still easily embarrassed around him, and tense, though for a different reason than before. And we don't really interact at any other times, around people. Just in school and then at his house, in private.
We do have to be pretty careful whenever we're doing anything particularly gay at his house, though, to make sure his parents don't somehow find out. Like, if they walked in on us kissing, we'd be dead. So whenever we're making out or flirting or even sitting particularly close, we have to exercise a fair amount of caution. It would be nice to just lock the door so we don't have to worry about them just barging in and seeing something incriminating, but I think that if we start locking doors when we're alone then one of Axel's parents might have a seizure. And since I'd really like to not be the reason why one of Axel's parents dies- manipulative and homophobic as they may be- we've kind of just got to be really careful.
Whenever we're not feeling up to the sneaking around, we go out together. We don't do anything particularly relationship-y, just in case, but honestly, just being with him is enough for me most of the time. Sure, I'd love to be kissing him at any given time, but I also love just being close to him. Talking to him. Seeing his smile- his smile is the most vibrant thing on the planet. Having it directed at me, looking at him, it feels like his smile is lighting me up from the inside out, creating this little ball of compact, aching happiness in my chest somewhere near my heart.
I'm sure that if I looked too deeply into how I feel about him, I'd be terrified. Which is why I don't look too deeply into how I feel about him. How he makes me feel. What that little ball of compact, aching happiness next to my heart is called.
