Life is unfair.
It favours some people and laughs in the face of others. But I guess life never promised to be fair, just kind of offhandedly mentioned that it was a possibility. Still, if life decides to laugh in your face while giving out natural...
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Being friends with Nash has done something to me.
I've always been desperate for approval. From anyone. Maybe it's because I'm a younger sibling- I remember being a kid and always trying to do whatever Jason did so that my parents would be really happy with me as well. But of course, I'd have to do it better than he did to get the same level of praise from them. Or I'd have to come up with something else entirely. No matter what I did, it never felt like enough. It always felt like I was running on a hamster wheel, constantly exhausting myself and never getting anywhere.
My parents have had me wired to want to please them forever. When I figured out that I was gay, I wanted to hide it from them. I knew they'd be disappointed. But I knew they'd find out, and they'd be incredibly pissed if they found out without me having told them first. So I came out to them.
Their reaction was as expected. They weren't pleased, but they weren't extremely disgusted either. They just told me through vague comments that I'd have to suck it up and live the life they'd planned for me anyways.
"Mom. Dad."
We're all sitting at the table, my brother beside me. I came out to him a few weeks ago. I knew he'd be on my side- he always is. And I needed someone on my side for this.
Our parents are looking at me expectantly, each with the look of someone who doesn't know exactly what news they'll be getting, but they aren't expecting it to be something they're going to like. It isn't really helpful.
I take a deep breath, having to look away from them to be able to get it out. I fix my gaze on the table in front of me. "Um. I'm gay."
It takes me a moment to look back up and see their reactions. Their expressions haven't changed much- they were expecting news they weren't going to like, and they received it. No enormous shows of disappointment, though. Unless- my heart nearly stops- they already knew, and they'd decided beforehand that they were just going to disown me immediately. I search their faces for anything that might be able to put this terrifying fear to rest, but there's nothing.
"Well," my mother says, standing from the table and turning away so she's only facing my dad. "We hoped to have a daughter for our second child. I suppose that's come back to bite us, now."
My heart sinks.
"Still, we'll have to keep up appearances," my dad tells her. And that's it. That's my parents' reaction to me coming out to them.
They kept casually discussing 'keeping up appearances' over the following few days. Never talking directly to me but always having the conversation within earshot. I have no doubt at all that it was intentional. They said vague things about protecting their public image, and the family's public image, and basically made it clear to me that as long as I conformed to their idea of what I should be like, regardless of my sexuality, I would still be part of the family's public image. And if I ended up tarnishing their image, they would consider me a liability. And I know what they do to liabilities.
