mind, body, and soul | lee felix

twenty six

Felix clears his throat once, intertwining his hands together as he stares at the comforter.

"This is weird for me," he admits, looking up at me. "I didn't think that I would ever have this type of conversation with you. I never thought that this, you ending things, would ever happen. But here we are, right?"

I make an agreeing noise, nodding so he knows he can continue. Felix takes a deep breath and pinches his lips together before starting to talk.

"You know what's funny? I never knew what I was missing out on until I met you. I guess it's true what they say, about not wanting love until you fall into it. I was just supposed to watch from afar, make sure no one got hurt or did anything too reckless. Falling in love was never part of the plan. You were never part of the plan." A tear rolls down his cheek, another quickly following until he's crying softly.

"I loved you. I loved you so much that I would've done anything to make you smile. Anything, just to keep you happy." Laughing through his tears, Felix gestures wildly. "I would've done anything. I would've given up anything. And I did."

"I loved you so fiercely, and no one could understand why. I was willing to risk everything for you and your love. I gave up everything just to be with you."

"And then you had to forget. You forgot, and you didn't look at me the same. Everything was gone, as if it had never happened. Our first date, when we kissed under the stars. You had no memory of it, and you still don't. I hated you in that moment. When you walked into the store that day, you were blank and just looked at me like any other stranger, and I hated you so much. How could you forget us that easily?"

Felix looks up at me, his brown eyes softening as he gazes at my face.

"I remember watching you with that girl. Emily. You were so happy with her. You were happy with her the way you were with me. Every time you smiled at her, I wanted to tear the world apart with my bare hands. When you kissed, I could've destroyed everything around me. But I didn't."

"You want to know why?" I nod, locking eyes with him as he slowly scooted closer.

"That day, when you came back to me after finding out what I was. You said, 'Your title doesn't define you.' I didn't have to be a perfect angel for you. My wings, my aura, I didn't have to hide it from you."

Felix wipes at his eyes, his voice becoming stronger. "You never expected anything from me, other than myself. You were the only person I could truly relax with. And I knew, I knew, that if I destroyed everything and you somehow remembered and saw what I did, you would hate me. You would look at me, and I would've lost you forever."

"I couldn't lose you, not when I was so close to getting you again, after making that deal with Christopher. But when you lost Emily, you broke down. You have-" Felix drops his gaze to his hands and grits his teeth, trying to hold back the tears, even though they kept coming. "You have no idea how hard it was for me to not be there for you. To not hold you when you woke in the night, screaming and crying. To not wipe your tears every time you smelled citrus. It killed me."

Felix takes a deep breath, closing his eyes and opening them once he's gained some control over himself. He looks sadly over at me, his eyes red and puffy, tear stains lining his cheeks. I hate myself, in this instance, that I am the reason for the way he looks. 

"It killed me even more when you walked into the store that day." Felix keeps staring at me, his voice dropping and getting quieter as he talks. "I had to act like I didn't know you. I had to pretend that you meant nothing to me. Getting to see you, to touch you, it was incredible. Getting to see you all flustered was like getting to see the sun after days of darkness."

"It was beautiful, but dangerous." Felix somehow got closer to me, our knees touching. "I let my hopes get too high, and hurt you because of it. I'm so sorry."

I stare at Felix, frozen. Yelling at myself to pull away, to stop falling for him, I raise my hand to his face. Even though everything in me is telling me to stop, I gently wipe some of his tears away from his face. 

Is love supposed to feel like you're being torn in two directions?