Second Chances. (WATTY AWARDS 2013)

Chapter 18: I Wish There Was Another Way Out.

Chapter 18: I Wish There Was Another Way Out.

Finally home at last, home with Peasnie feels so damn right. Today’s New Years Eve and we’re going to a party at Johnny’s Saloon, Peasnie’s going to be coming to dinner before she’s going to her friend’s house for a sleepover. I think it’s adorable that she’s acting like this is the biggest thing on the planet. I’ve met this Dan and Phil, they’re really nice guys. Peasnie seems to have a crush on Phil, I’m not too keen on that but she just wants him as a friend. She’s spending the night at Dan’s house while I’m away. I like Dan’s mom, she’s a very nice lady. She’s the one who offered to take Peasnie for the night, she said that she’s holding a children’s New Year’s Eve party with sparkling juice, snacks, games and what-not. It sounds like more fun then going to the bar. And she won’t be waking up with a wicked hang over. So I guess in some ways she’s luckier than I am.

I stood at the stove with pancake batter on the grill cooking for Bailey who was in the shower. Peasnie sat on the bar stool and ate her breakfast quietly. I stood there in a pair of blue plaid PJ bottoms, my hair was a mess like usual. It was just after eight in the morning and I’ve been up since seven. Peasnie has been sleeping on the pull out couch these last few days. She doesn’t mind it; she refuses to sleep in the bed if Bailey and I sleep in the living room. She’s actually afraid of the dark. So when she sleeps in the living room she can have the TV on while Bailey and I are in the bedroom.

Speaking of Bailey, we’re announcing our engagement tonight. We’ve told our parents of course but the rest of everyone doesn’t know. I got her a nice ring that I’m giving her tonight. It’s a blue diamond on a silver band; she love the colour blue and silver will look marvellous with her complexion. We’re moving in with her at the end of the month so we’re packing up some of our things and moving it slowly. So it’s not as dramatic as last time, for Peasnie’s sake. Peasnie just thinks we’re moving in with Bailey, she doesn’t know that I’ve asked Bailey to marry me. I’m unsure how she’ll react to be frank. She can take it really well or not very well at all.

“Dad,” Peasnie dragged the word out a little bit catching my attention. I turned to see her sitting there in a semi long sleeved black shirt, the sleeves were bunched up to the bends of her arms. She wore a red bandana around her neck. I believe she was wearing black jeans. Her blonde hair was put into pigtails. I could see my necklace I gave her around her neck loosely. Her blue eyes searched my face as mine searched hers carefully.

“Yes?” I asked dragging the word out in a mimicking tone. I saw hesitation written on her face as she staggered with what she wanted to say. She contemplated silently which left me wondering what was going on in her head. I’ve always wondered that, I want to see the world the way she does. It’ll be something amazingly different to see.

“What’s up baby?” I asked trying to encourage her to answer me. She still remained silent, she was afraid to come to me and talk to me. She knew she can come to me whenever she needs me. I just hope that in ten years she doesn’t come to me and says she’s pregnant. I have no idea how I’ll react, probably really poorly since Peasnie is my only little girl and she’s my world. If that ever happens I think I’ll end up dying of a heart attack or going to prison for the rest of my life for murder, I’ll murder the vile boy who did that to my daughter. How can you tell I’m over protective of Peasnie? I saw bravery twinkle in her eyes as she inhaled deeply.

“What was mom like?” She asked curiously with a tiny voice. My entire world stopped as I stood there in front of her with a dumbfounded expression crossing my face. What do I do? Do I tell her, her mom wasn’t the best of people and that I didn’t know where she was half the time when she was pregnant and then she completely ditched us for her own life? I can’t do that! Why is she even asking this? What’s going on inside her head? I inhaled deeply and smiled at her as I leaned against the counter in front of her.

“Your mom was very determined and stubborn. It was her way, no highway option.” I told her honestly. I kept it short but sweet.

“Did you love her?” She asked, dropping a bomb on me. I nodded in response.

“Yeah, I did.” I replied truthfully. I thought I did love her but I made a mistake and gave her my heart.

“Did she love you?” She asked quietly. I had to swallow all my pride to answer this because I was unsure. I didn’t know if she loved me or not. I shrugged and made a face, I wasn’t going to lie about this. I didn’t know so I didn’t lie. Peasnie’s eyes wandered from mine briefly.

“Why did she leave?” And there’s another bomb dropped right on me. I felt my stomach sink as my mind fell completely blank. I felt completely trapped with no way out, I just need a fucking way out. I stared at Peasnie while she stared back; her eyes became glassy and distant.

“She didn’t love me did she?” She asked with a shaky tone. I didn’t want to tell her the truth but doesn’t she deserve the truth? I inhaled deeply again and cupped her face in my hands.

“She did love you very much but she was selfish, she wanted to live before she had children. But I saw the soul deep inside of you; I knew that I had to stick around.” I told her with a gentle tone but I knew she wasn’t satisfied with that answer. She wanted the truth, she deserved the truth. I gave her a little bit of the truth, her mother is selfish but she didn’t ever want to have children.  I guess in a way it’s true I did see the soul inside her; I was with her a full nine months while I was alive. I was with her for an additional couple years just watching as she made a person of herself. Peasnie’s blue eyes shimmered into mine as she remained silent, she didn’t want to say what she was thinking. But like before bravery sparked in her eyes.

“Did you want me?” She questioned me softly. My heart wrenched as she asked the most heartbreaking question I’ve ever heard. She was asking the hard questions; the ones that took all I had to answer.

“Yes.” I told her with a straight face. I wasn’t lying nor was I completely honest. I didn’t know the answer to that, she was a surprise. I knew I wanted a family but later in life, not this soon. I was in complete shock when Rosie told me she was pregnant with Peasnie. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do, I’m not going to lie I did consider adoption but when I heard her heartbeat for the first time I couldn’t give her up. I couldn’t no matter how many times I told myself ‘maybe someone else can do better’ I couldn’t let someone else be called ‘daddy’ by my child.

“What’s with all the questions kiddo?” I asked her with a settle tone as I stood straight up. Peasnie’s eyes were still distant and glassy as she kept them from mine. Her head hung down slightly, shadowing her face from me.

“All the other girls are making fun of me because I don’t get to make a mother’s day card.” She whimpered softly. She explained she sees all the other girls with their moms and she feels left out. It’s heartbreaking but things are the way they are for a reason and weather it’s a nice reason or not, it’s like this. I couldn’t imagine a world without my mom; she’s the best thing to ever happen to me. Deep down I am a huge mama’s boy. I felt my lips curl into a small smile as the thought entered my head.

“How would you like it if Bailey became your step-mom?” I asked curiously. Her face lifted to meet mine with glee shimmering in her eyes.

“Ugh, yes please.” She replied with a joyful tone. I cackled at her response and nodded. I was relieved she wants Bailey as a step mom. There’s a huge different between daddy’s girlfriend and step-mom. I smiled widely and leaned down to eye level with Peasnie.

“Good, because we’re getting married soon.” I informed her. Peasnie eyes went wide with happiness.

“Good for you daddy.”