everything but nothing

when i saw her.

     There she was. She had brown short-ish hair. Light freckles on her forehead and checks, soft hazel eyes, and a gentile smile. I couldn't help but stare at her the entire music class, I stared at her so much that I might've freaked her out at one point. I couldn't help it, I don't know what happened. She just walked in and my heart felt some sort of way, I don't know what my heart felt like, but it was something. My cheeks felt warm. I just assumed it was from the torching sunlight shining on me from the cloudy window. Nah, my cheeks were red, I was blushing. I've never felt like this to anyone before but she had an innocent face, one that's never been hurt by a guy before. I failed that class. I couldn't pay attention. The main attraction of that class was her, I could only look at her. She was so polite. She would offer to help with anything. Once, our music teacher asked her to carry the piano into the classroom. She looked so fragile that I wanted to help her so she wouldn't get hurt. But what pained me was that I didn't help her. This other kid did. I knew him too, we weren't friends but he went to my old elementary school so I knew who he was. But she was innocent and polite so she carried the piano into the classroom with this other kids help. I would have helped her but I was too busy staring at her to ask. I didn't talk to her. I don't know why but I just didn't. My friends would probably laugh at me for talking to a girl and even though it was stupid, I didn't talk to her and I regret it so much. If only I talked to her that year then I wouldn't have met all these other girls and  developed commitment issues. She was so understanding and sweet. She would always look at me too, our top glances towards each other lasted more than 10 seconds. If I talked to her that year, maybe her face would have stayed the same. Innocent and sweet. But by the time we got into our second year of middle school, her face wasn't the same. It looked as it was dropped on the floor and shattered. She was broken.

I've gotten the courage that year to talk to her more. Maybe just a few words or questions about tests and quizzes, but it was something. And she would always answer them too. That year, we got really close lunch seats and all my friends were talking about her. She became friends with this other girl that I "used to date". We didn't technically date but we both kinda liked each other but it didn't last long. That was back in elementary school too. Eh, she's nice but our relationship wouldn't have lasted. I got really good lunch seats that year, most of my friends were next to me. It's funny because none of my friends knew her name, I didn't know why but they're stupid and clueless so I wouldn't expect them to remember. One of the main reasons they wanted to know her name was because she would bring in candy for her friends. She did this last year too but except it was in her locker, which was directly across from mine. She gave me a lollipop once, my favorite kind too. This year she kept her candy in her backpack. I was watching her and saw her slip a lollipop to her friends at the lunch table. My annoying ass friend forgets her name and asks me for her name again. I went over to my friend, who was right behind her, to tell him her name. I was so embarrassed because it was obvious she heard me, or she was deaf. My friend asks her for a lollipop, she said no. I didn't want to ask her that day but she offered it to me and my other friend to make my friend that wanted one jealous, and it worked. He got so mad. I didn't want to take a lollipop so she could have more, but she glanced at me in embarrassment of asking me. I felt bad. I wish I took the lollipop.