The Second Chance (GirlXGirl)

Chp. 35

-DEVON’S POV-

I was laying in my bed, face up, staring at the ceiling. I couldn’t stop thinking about Amanda, when she left… and how much I missed her right now. I wanted her to come back, I felt completely alone.

And now I understood how Amanda felt for those two weeks.

Now she was gone, and it had been an entire month. I saw her in class, and every once in awhile we would speak, but I knew what she was doing. She was avoiding me, but what was her reason? I left for a good one, I was hurting, depressed, but when I came back, optimistic… and Amanda was the complete opposite.

Was she hurting to? Or was there something going on that I didn’t know of?

I just really needed to talk to her, I just didn’t know what excuse she would give me if I called her to come over. 

I looked at her empty bed, sighing, it wasn’t completely plain, there were still picture frames and her bed was still made. 

But the clothes, laptop, research, everything else… was gone. 

Missing her… it almost hurt as bad as missing Rachel, even though it was hard to admit that to myself in the first place. I had grown so fond of Amanda, and leaving her behind, ignoring her… well it was selfish. I didn’t take consideration to how she would’ve felt if I left and now… well, knowing what it felt like… it  sucked. 

I wish I could take it all back, and I wanted to call her… but what would I say? Hey, I’m sorry for abandoning you and now that I’ve felt the pain I want you to come back?

I almost had considered her my best friend. 

It was a long shot, we had known each other five months, but within those five months… everything about Amanda screamed Rachel. 

I tried to ignore it, I tried to find light in the situation, but both failed… and I was stuck on how to fix it. Why did Amanda look so much like Rachel? She didn’t do anything to change the way she looked, when I met her, her eyes were even just like Rachel’s…

So what was really going on?

I couldn’t wrap my head around it, and I was keeping an open mind… a very open mind. Amanda had so many tendencies just like Rachel, not just her appearance. She wrote songs, her voice, her smile, her laugh, her clothing, the food she ate…

Amanda wasn’t like that five months ago when I met her. 

I felt my heart ache as the numbing pain returned thinking about her and Rachel. Was I going to push away every one that got close to me? Because of Rachel’s death? 

I texted Trevor, “Hey, have you heard from Amanda lately?”

I waited impatiently, and I knew Trevor would’ve talked to her. They probably still had rehearsals, but I knew Amanda had given up on the performances… so she just went over to practice and talk.

My phone vibrated, “Yea, why? She hasn’t talked to you?”

I rolled my eyes, “Of course not.”

My phone vibrated once more and I was getting annoyed, how could she text Trevor and not me? “Call her, tell her you miss her. She’ll come.”

I stared at the text, did Amanda tell him this? Was she telling him this now as he read the text message to her? I began to hurt and get angry at the same time. This was getting to get to much, I only ignored her for two weeks, she had been ignoring me for an entire month!

It was complete bullshit. 

I came back to my problems, I wanted to face them, she just didn’t give me time to. Then she left, but I wanted her to face her fears, her problems, and I wanted her to face her demons. If she had a problem with me, I wanted to know, I wanted to know why she left. What was her reason anyway? I had a good one, so she needed to have one to. 

The more I tried to analyze why Amanda had changed so drastically, the more I confused myself. Was there even a explanation? Or should I just accept it and go along with it?

It affected us both greatly, but was is a good effect of a bad one?

It seemed bitter-sweet to me, the more she looked like Rachel, the more it hurt because my best friend of four years was gone. The numbing pain, the ache that was always there in my heart hurt more then ever… it was the worst pain I had ever felt. But then it could be so sweet, when Amanda played me songs, reminding me of the god times… almost making it seem like Rachel was still here with me.

“…Maybe I am…”

I glanced around, not understanding where I had heard that. Maybe I am. What did that mean? Rachel was haunting me?

No, she would never do that.

Then again, she was in love with me, so maybe she had some unfinished business or something… maybe she was still here with me, somewhere.

 I just had to find her. 

Would I ever recover fully from the loss of Rachel? Would I always be hesitant to let someone in on my life and to be happy again? Would I be scared of having to face that find of fatality more then once? Would I be strong enough?

Those were  the toughest questions to answer.

I just knew I needed Amanda, and I needed her to comfort me. I needed to comfort her first, let her know that everything was going to be ok…  that she could talk to me. She needed to know I was here for her, just like when she was there for me. She had a friend in me, someone who would listen to her problems and actually try to help her out with them. 

I opened my phone, dialing her number and not even thinking about what I would say if she answered. That is, if she answered in the first place. 

I wasn’t expecting much. 

But as usual I heard her voicemail and I sighed, hearing the familiar recording and the beep. I spoke, “Amanda… it’s Devon, you know, you’re ex-roomie that you have  seem to forgotten about. Yea, well, I just wanna talk… please… call me back. I need to know you’re okay, I need to hear your voice, please?” I almost hung up but I needed to say something else, it was on my tongue, and before I could stop it I let it out.

“I miss you.”