Her Last Wish [Harry Styles] ON HOLD

Chapter Four

Chapter Four

Dear Diary,

I've never smiled so much in my life.. My cheeks are actually hurting, but it's a good kind of hurt, I guess. I can't even explain to you how crazy and nice it was to see them, to talk to them. I didn't get to thank them like I was planning, but I sorta chickened out at the last second. I haven't opened up to anyone in that way, ever since McKenzie passed. I know it's not good to bottle everything up, but why tell people personal things, when they don't truly care about how you feel, or what's troubling you? 

Love,

Hailey

- - -

Hailey lay in the hospital bed, the blanket tucked under her chin as Pitch Perfect played on the small TV across the room. She had asked her mom to bring her a few of her favorite movies and books to keep her occupied. Now that she had no one to talk to, she needed more things to take her mind off of the situation floating through everyone's heads. 

She had to get a bunch of tests done the night before and was now exhausted. The tests were to see just how bad her condition really was, and maybe get a date. A date that would determine everything. An expiration date. At least, that's what she thought of it as. 

Her parents have visited three times within the first two weeks she's been locked in this Hell - or hospital. There were always kids running through the hallways, peeking in the doors and laughing loudly, but none were near her age nor did they have any interest in talking to her.

Of course, it was lonely; being in the hospital every hour of the day, but it gave Hailey more time to think about her life.

All the things she's done.

All the things she wishes she would've done. 

And all the things she wants to do before that day comes. 

But, it seemed nearly impossible now, being locked up all the time. Unable to go anywhere without a doctor's permission and someone with her at all times. 

She would never get to see the ocean, go to a concert, see Big Ben, or the London Eye, kiss a boy, go on dates, fall in love. Those were all dreams of hers, as silly or far-fetched as they seemed. 

She wanted to experience those things. But, she couldn't.

I'll be gone by this time next year, Hailey said to herself. She felt the tears brimming her eyes, but blinked them away before they could fall.

She couldn't cry. Because crying means you're weak, and that's not what she wanted to be seen as. A weak, vulnerable child. No, that wasn't her. 

But Hailey was much stronger than she was giving herself credit for. Not only has she been suffering with a life-threatening illness since she was just 14, but she also lost a best friend, and lost herself. 

She lost herself in a pit of darkness, as she called it, it was like she wasn't herself, wasn't actually Hailey. She was numb, stuck in neutral, unmoving. Everything went by without notice. Like slow-motion. 

It wasn't until the day the doctor came in and told her she was well and able to go home for good, that she snapped out of her daze. She smiled, cried, and laughed at the same time. Unsure of what to think. She was so happy to leave, but so upset when she realized that she let everything get the best of her; when she realized she lost the true meaning of herself. 

As the days went on, Hailey tried to push that faze behind her, tried to forget it ever happened, but whenever she was alone or in silence for too long, her thoughts drifted and she couldn't control the waves of depression that overcame her.