Teach Me To Love Again (Jalex)

Kids in The Dark

Trigger Warning: Mention of suicide

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“I am left, standing on the edge, wondering how we got this far, how we got this far.” (Kids in The Dark – All Time Low)

Alex's P.O.V.

I didn't know what happened really, it was like a blur to me. I knew I sent this text to Jack, that he replied that he would come. I had started to panic, I didn't want him to see me broken like I had been and so I did the only thing that seemed reasonable for me – I did exactly what Jack had told me not to do. My mind had completely turned off, my logical thoughts gone. I didn't want to go through everything again, the first time had been hard enough.

But instead of being dead, like the last time, I was experiencing something weird, like really really weird. I didn't know what it was called, I think Out of Body Experience? Well, I felt like I was floating and the weirdest thing was that I could see my body lying on the floor. I could see Jack running into the room and breaking down besides my limb body. I could see him crying and hear him begging for me not to be dead. I could see how he called 911, how he held my hand like I was still alive. I felt somehow bad for putting him through that again but it was for the best. I should have died so many years ago, it was a miracle that I survived this long.

Suddenly, I wasn't in my room any more. I was somewhere else, it looked like... Yeah, it looked like the park I loved spending my time in when I was still a kid, when I still lived in Essex. I had always loved the silence here, it was always calming me down and I just felt better whenever I had been here. Sadly, after we moved, I hadn't had the time to go to that park again. Was this normal? This seeing and being at a place that meant something? I hadn't been dead before, I don't know this.

The park, that had been empty just a few seconds ago, was suddenly filled with all the friends and people I loved but had lost way too early. My grandparents, some other people but most importantly Tom. My brother that had died too soon, that I've needed for being able to get through each day and week without wanting to kill myself. He would have been my saving grace, without him nobody would have had to go through all these things.

“Tom,” I choked out and ran to him, hugging him and breathing in his scent that hadn't changed in all those years he had been away. “Woah, calm there, kiddo,” he chuckled and hugged me back, his arms holding me tightly and softly stroking over my back. This felt so real, like he was really there and hugging me like he had done so many times before he had moved back to England and died. That was how he always had comforted me and it still worked.

The tears I had been holding back for years finally began flowing out of my eyes, down my cheeks. He smiled sadly and wiped them away. “I know, Lex. I know. I should have stayed with you but it seems like fate didn't want me to live long,” he whispered and pulled me closer. I furrowed my eyebrows and looked up to him. “Tom... What do you mean?”

“Alex, we all have some kind of destiny, some kind of fate that we always have. We have it since we were born. Some are destined to have a long and happy life, some are destined to have a short one. Mine was short and I wished it had been longer, I wish I could have seen you grow up and have been by your side all along but that wasn't my destiny. And the most important thing is that your life isn't over, it really shouldn't be. You should have a long life, Lex, one filled with happiness. And believe me, it may doesn't seem like it now, but Jack is the reason why you are going to be so happy.”

I looked at him with wide eyes and shook my head. “He can't be. He can't be the reason of my happiness! He doesn't even like me any more, why should he care if I'm happy or not? Hell, I'm dead, it's fucking over! And a long life, as if! I'm fucking dead and I'm not going to be alive again, that world is hell! It's filled with sadness, hate, and so much jealousy, I wouldn't want to be there any more! I'm glad I'm dead!”

Tom shook his head disapprovingly and sighed. “Alexander William Gaskarth, don't say those things. You think Jack hates you? Why would he try to save you if he hated you? Why would he cry if he hated you? He still loves you. He just wanted you to be happy but he didn't know that you can't without him by your side. It had been ignorant, yes, but he still loves you, Alex. He needs you just as much as you need him. Do you really want to leave him? Have you really stopped loving him?”

I was taken aback by those things and closed my eyes, trying to process what he had said. Was it true? I had seen him crying over my body, crying for me to come back. But why had he left me? It wouldn't be as hard if he had just told me why he had done that. I would have understood it. But that way he had just broken my heart and made me commit again.

“God, Tom, I love him and I don't want to leave him,” I whispered and looked up to my big brother, needing a brotherly advice. “What should I do? What can I do? I don't want to stay dead, I want to go back to him and fix this.” Tom just smiled and ruffled my hair. “You can either jump and take the risk of being brave or stay here and lose your chance. I know you'll do the right thing.”

I opened my mouth to ask him what he meant but the park changed and I was standing on a cliff. I looked around, deep down was the sea, rough and the water was a dark grey. Behind me was the green of the park and my brother smiling fondly at me.

I looked down. Did jumping mean going back? Back to being alive? I wanted to go back there, I wanted to tell Jack how sorry I was for putting him through that again. I wanted to apologize to Zack and Rian for being such an idiot. I wanted to apologize to Lisa for breaking her heart. I wanted to apologize to my parents for almost putting them through what they had to go through when Tom died again. I wanted to apologize to my fans, for being an asshole that neglected them almost all the time. I wanted to change.

And so I jumped. I chose to be brave.

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KIDS IN THE DARK IS SO AMAZING OMGOMGOMG

And I'm back with another chapter! (that I've just written in the matter of an hour but hey, I updated)

I don't know how often I'm going to update this, I have a pretty good idea BUT that's some kind of "Teen Fiction" or something and I want to publish that if I finish it (pretty big if). So, I want to concentrate on that story and this will just be a side project that will be updated every once in awhile.

Stay awesome <3

PS: Btw, in the last chapter I had a rant about how happy I am about Alex's proposal but Wattpad deleted it. Ugh, damn you too.

PPS: 3,5k+ reads on How To Save A Life?! That pretty fucking damn awesome!