Teach Me To Love Again (Jalex)

Heartbeat Slowing Down

"I still remember that empty look left on your face, you took the pictures, but you left the frames. All we had written, well, it's been erased." (The All-American Rejects – Heartbeat Slowing Down)

Jack's P.O.V.

I couldn't forget how Alex had looked at me, right before I ran off. There was obviously no excuse for what I did, I just fucked it up completely. I deserved how he had looked at me. I had seen how his walls, the ones he was completely letting down when he was with me, were built up instantly again, the utter heartbreak so clear to see. He looked like he didn't want to believe it, looked like he just wanted me to start laughing and tell him that it had been a joke. I wished I could tell him that but... I just couldn't.

The worst though? I didn't even know why I did it. I loved Alex so much and it wasn't like we never had sex but still.. That girl in the bar just made me feel like I was important, too. God, I was drunk, I couldn't really comprehend what I was doing! I had always been an extremely horny drunk and it had always been easy to have sex with me then. I knew that was no excuse for what I did and that Alex had every right to not respond to any of my texts but I missed him.

I missed him like I had never missed something or someone else before. I loved him so much and... I would love him forever, even if he didn't want to spend his forever with me. I mean, how did that saying go? "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it's yours forever, if it doesn't, it never was yours." It just meant that I had to let Alex go, it would be better for him.

But just because it would be better for him didn't mean that it didn't break my heart. After all this terrible stuff that happened to us I had hoped that it would be over, that we could be happy together – looked like I had been terribly wrong. I knew how much of a privilege it was to be Alexander William Gaskarth's boyfriend but I had messed it up.

Alex had always been one of the few people who loved me unconditionally, that didn't expect anything from me in return for their friendship. He trusted me, I trusted him – but I just showed him that I had been right from the start: I wasn't someone you could trust. I would always hurt someone, especially those who I loved with all my heart. And sadly Alex was one of those people I loved so much.

I wouldn't even regret what I had done – if it wasn't for Alex. Beautiful, perfect Alex. He was just someone you wouldn't want to hurt, ever. Still, I had done exactly what I swore myself I would never do. I broke his already broken heart. His heart had been fragile from the start, he had always been careful who to trust. You had to earn his love and after a few months I had done exactly that, I had earned his love. If I could turn back time I would make him hate me with all of his heart, I would deserve nothing else.

I wished I could still look at the pictures we took together. I mean, I still could go online and look at all those pictures but I didn't want to. I wanted to look at those pictures we took together, the ones we didn't post on any website. He had them all printed out and framed, mostly us being together, laughing, making weird faces. But there were also ones where we kissed or slept, me hugging him from behind.

Why I couldn't look at them any longer? Alex had taken those pictures that meant so much to both me and him and just ripped them apart, I guess. I knew he didn't want any reminder of me, didn't want to have more prove than necessary that I was a cheating bastard. It just proved that he had given up on us, that he was tired of trying.

At least he still had some of my clothes and all of my other stuff I couldn't get before he kicked me out. I didn't have anything that smelled like him, he had tons of that stuff. I already missed his smell, a smell that never failed to cheer me up or to comfort me. It was the only smell I would never fail to recognize, just because it was stuck in my brain. It was my home – a home I would never get again. Alex wouldn't ever come close to me again and he would probably call the police if I asked him if I could have some clothes he had worn – just so I could still cuddle with it and feel like I was home.

I could understand that. It seemed like we were just destroying each other, like we couldn't even be friends without hurting each other. But being apart? That was way worse than being together, at least we had each other to mend the other. Now we just had mutual friends – who were probably torn between on which side they should stand. If I could I would probably shout at them to take Alex's side because he had every right to hurt – I didn't have any right to. I cheated on him, why should they still want to be my friends?

A sudden buzz made me jump and look at my phone like it was possessed (I believed that, it just kept on annoying me). Realizing that it was just a text, I opened the app and read the text, feeling my heart break.

"Jack, I think it's best if we stop being in a band together. I don't think All Time Low has a future, it would be best to just end it here." [delivered 4:39pm]

How could he say that? Why did it seem to be so easy for him to just let go of all our memories? Did it mean so little to him?

I knew it meant much to him, it had meant much to both of us. All of our stories, all of our memories we shared – it defined us in some kind of way. Without him I wouldn't be the person I was today, wouldn't be in a successful band, touring all around the world. And he? He wouldn't even be alive without me. It sounded harsher than I would intend to but it was true. I had saved him from suicide more than once and I would continue to do so forever. If I only could.

"Can't we just talk about it? I don't want to end this, the fans would be devastated." [sent 4:44pm]

Because they were another reason not to break up as a band. Our fans loved us, would do everything for us and what if we just stopped being there for them? So many of them told us that we saved their lives on a daily base and if we broke up, we would just stop being there for them. Sometimes we were the only thing that kept them alive and it would be horrible to take that away from those teenagers.

"Alright. Don't expect me to be happy to see you again though. We'll meet on Monday at 3pm, the café on Thames Street." [delivered 4:49pm]

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I'm back with a really short chapter whoops o.o

Well, looks like I'm moving soon! Hopefully we really get the house we want ^-^ would be awesome! (especially because I would live next to my best friend)

Okay, so uhm.. see you guys next time and stay awesome ^-^