COLD

Ch 44: Recovery

2 weeks later

 

Blake

“So Blake how did you feel when those things were done to you and how does it affect you now?  My counselor Ms. Pratt asked.

“Ummm I felt, I felt like I let it happen to me. I tried fighting him off and I did everything in my power to get him off of me but of course I couldn’t. And that has always been something I was terrified of and the fact that it came true bothered me. I felt like I let myself down and ever since that happened…….

 Once I moved in with my aunt and uncle I was a little uneasy living with them because the fact that my uncle was a man. I was scared that he would try to do the same thing so I slept with the doors locked and I always slept on my back, and I always made sure I was tucked in because that's how I felt secure. I figured if I could always make sure I was mean and came off as strong and a “BITCH” no one would bother me, sometimes I wish I could just go back to be the old me but I can’t” I said

I was in a supportive group home with women that have been abused emotionally, sexually and physically as a child. I didn’t want to go but I promised my aunt that I would attend it's a 4 week program and I've already been here for two weeks. I'm starting to feel a little bit better it takes time but I feel like things are getting easier than it ever has before. We meet and talk for about 4 hours a day and we go through therapy, counseling and everything that could possibly help us. As for hair school my teacher is very understanding of what I'm going through so after the program I can make my hours up.  My family visits me on the weekends, that's when I have my free time to do whatever I want. Which I like because I don’t like feeling like I'm a child . I like that they treat us as adults which we are.

“What was so great about being the old you Blake? She asked

“I felt like “THAT BITCH” I said looking at some of the girls that were laughing with me. “I felt like I had all of this power and I was just on it. I was working and just making sure my brother and sister were okay. I barely dated and I was kind of unstoppable I didn’t care about things like I was so numb and I totally swept the pain I felt under the rug because if I felt anything I would be vulnerable like my mom was and I refused to be like her if that makes sense like if I had to be mean and be a bitch to not feel anything then that's how I wanted it to be. I felt like me having myself together was me having control on my life and the things I could do. When I was molested I didn’t have any control I couldn’t do anything so by me just working and stuff made me feel good like I was in control. So it’s like I miss that but I guess I couldn’t hide my pain forever” I said

“Wow, I totally understand Blake well you absolutely have control over your life because you could have been on drugs like your mother, you could have been promiscuous but you chose not to be a stereotype and I commend you” she smiled.

“Thanks”

“Well ladies, we will finish our discussion tomorrow so you're free to do basically whatever you want just don’t kill each other” she laughed leaving the room. I began to get it up when one of the girls stopped me.

“Hey Blake”

“Hey girl”

Megan approached me; she was one of the girls I ate with. We got along a lot because we could relate the most. Her mother was an alcoholic and the same thing that happened to me happened to her.