For Us

8. Make you a deal.

{Jon}

As the sun went down, Jon lit the candles around the living room. "Are you hungry? Do you want real food?"

Kurt looked up from his guitar, notes scattered on the floor around him. He quickly took the pick out of his mouth. "Yeah, course I do."

"I wasn't sure how long you were staying so I didn't plan a meal."

"I'm free all night," Kurt said, his head bent over the guitar, his fingers flying over a rising melody.

Jon took a soft breath, studying him. He hadn't planned a meal because he'd been unable to imagine that they would still have anything to say to each other after two hours together. He'd assumed Kurt would lose interest and bid his farewells, and that he would be content to see him go and have the night to himself like any other Saturday.

The ease of being with Kurt surprised him. Jon hadn't realized how much effort it was to be with straight men, to contain his feelings, to never look too long or touch them, to share only the things about himself that would permit him to continue to belong. After years of rigidly separating the parts of his life, he'd finally managed to find a way to pass without raising suspicion, while still feeling like a whole person when he was at home. He was the real Jon White at work and school, just the fraction of himself that fit best in those settings.

Being with Kurt felt natural as breathing. When their arms brushed, when their eyes met--Jon didn't have to pull away and make sure to be more careful next time. Outside of sparring at the dojo, Cary was the only person Jon allowed to touch him on a regular basis and with Kurt in the room Jon's body felt starved for the warmth of another human that he realized he'd been missing for years.

When Jon opened the fridge to forage for supper, he found Cary had outdone himself in shopping for 'snacks.' There was a fruit and cheese tray, there were sparkling non-alcoholic beverages, there was a roast chicken rubbed with herbs. As Jon laid out the snack-feast, Kurt prowled into the kitchen, picking this and that off the trays and popping them in his mouth. He gave an enormous, pleased sigh.

"You throw the best parties, White."

Jon snorted. "Everybody says that, wow it must be true."

He leaned on the counter next to Kurt, just close enough to feel the heat of his shoulder in the air next to his. The chicken smelled amazing but he couldn't eat; he had to figure out how to say the thing he'd been thinking about for days.

"I think I need to answer your question: if I could keep my job safe, would I date." Jon felt Kurt looking at him and he set his feet a little wider, steadying himself against the counter.

"The thing is: I love my job," Jon said. "The work we're doing at River House genuinely matters. Dusty and Jordin and Grace might be staying full-time in hotel rooms if we didn't exist. The foster system is stretched so thin, you have no idea."

Kurt's eyes were soft and the corner of his mouth tucked in. Jon lifted his shoulders, unable to meet his eyes directly. "I just can't be 'out' and work there. My salary—all of River House—is primarily funded by evangelical churches. I knew that when I signed on. I can't just casually go out with a guy. I haven't even been looking. And I thought I was fine with never. Being with someone." Jon's heart jerked in his chest and his words stumbled over themselves.

This was harder than he'd thought it would be, with Kurt's long, grown-up body leaning next to him, the familiar shape of Kurt's hands pressing a chord against the edge of the counter and his blue eyes intent on Jon's face while he listened.

Jon closed his eyes and put his hand against his aching chest. "And you're not just--anyone, Kurt. I liked you a lot in high school. I thought about you a long time after that summer." A little laugh shook him. "You left a mark on me. So I'm, um, having a hard time. Telling you I really can't. Go out with you. When what I want--" His voice cracked and he slowly opened his hand like a door over his heart. He cleared his throat. "What I want--is to ask you to stay longer. And if you have plans next weekend. And hear all the stories I missed. And just--have you in my life again."