For Us

31. A lot like too much.

{Jon}

As they left the buildings of Red Deer behind, Kurt was quiet, his fingers tangled in Jon's free hand, his thumb stroking the skin of his wrist. Jon regretted dragging out that old story about a guy whose name he honestly couldn't remember. It wasn't like him to burden the people he cared about with his private shit.

"I'm sorry," Jon said. "That was a lot. I got all—messy on you."

Kurt turned swiftly to him, his grip tightening on his hand. "Don't apologize, Jon. I'm really honoured that you told me that story." His mouth was crooked. "That's happened to me too. That wasn't your first time having sex—you were sexually assaulted, Jon. That's what happened."

Jon's ears buzzed at the word. "I've looked at the definition of sexual assault a dozen times," he said. "It doesn't apply. Anyone could say--I asked for it. I literally asked him to meet me there and showed up. He asked me if it was okay while we were kissing and I said yes. And then I felt like it was too late to change my mind and I didn't say anything."

Kurt was shaking his head, hard. "No, nope, nope. The minute you don't like it anymore—the minute you're not still saying yes—it's a no. He doesn't have consent. He kept going without checking and that's on him, not you."

"It was literally on me," Jon's voice was very dry, and he was grateful to hear Kurt chuckle at his dark humour.

"It was not figuratively on you," Kurt said. "He doesn't get your firsts."

Those words felt like a key slipping into a lock and turning it open. Jon took a breath, a smile lifting his face. "Then you get my firsts," he said softly.

"Christ, I woulda been more careful if I'd known," Kurt muttered, drawing Jon's hand to hug against his chest.

"Not possible," Jon said. He laughed, relaxing into the seat. "I'm just so relieved I'm not completely defective and that worked for us."

Kurt made a soft noise of outrage. "Is that what you thought? Darlin', you're not defective because you weren't turned on by some horny teenager in his car the first time you met. It doesn't even work like that for everyone. It's normal to need an emotional connection to feel sexy. There's a word for it--look it up, it's a thing."

Jon turned this new idea over in his mind. "I thought that was only true for women."

Kurt snorted. "Uh, no. Sexist."

Jon laughed. "I'm sorry—I don't know!"

"Jon White is a sexist," Kurt said, sliding down in his seat, looking pleased with himself.

Jon smacked his chest. "You come off looking pretty good either way," he said. "Either you're an unprecedented lover, or you're the object of all my affections."

"Both could be true," Kurt said, smirking.

The overcast day broke into the kind of cold, clear sunshine that made the oranges and reds of the trees rolling by snap into vivid colour. Jon couldn't stop smiling; every part of him was warming and unfolding under Kurt's affectionate attention. Any thought he'd had that this might be a short-term thing was out the window, kicking in the dust behind their tires. He would have been happy to have Kurt Visser beside him a long time.

Kurt had his legs sprawled up on the dash, singing along full voice with Dolly Parton, and Jon drove with one hand, the other slung over Kurt's shoulder.

When Jon's phone rang he put it on speaker to talk and drive. Cary's rumbly voice joined them in the front seat. "You coming home for supper with Mom and Dad?"