Winter's Widow

The Letter

Kasey,
I know that we promised to not say goodbye, so that's not what this is. But we're both facing something right now that leaves the future uncertain, and I this is the last opportunity that I have to get some things off of my chest, then I'm going to make the most of it.

First of all – don't blame yourself. If you're reading this, it's because something has happened to me, and I know you. You're going to think that it's all your fault, but it's not. Knowing you gave me the chance to explore a side of myself that I never really allowed myself to think about before and being close to you has brought so much joy into my life that I could never repay you. So, get your ass up, drink some Vodka, and suck it up, agent. If I've learned anything in the last ten years, it's that there is so much more out there, and there is never enough time. Consider me your invisible co-pilot, and go have some of those adventures that we always used to talk about. Travel. Revisit some places that we got to experience together. Make amends, if you must. But just get out there and do something. You are far too special of a person to be holed up in the compound mourning for someone who would beat your ass if they caught you doing it. Just wherever you go, take me with you. If there's something after this, I'll be watching over you and I'll be right beside you for every step. I hope that, wherever I am, I will always remember the sound of your laugh or the ways your eyes would light up when we'd play pranks on each other.

Secondly – even though you and I were never going to be able to make a relationship work in a romantic sense, you do deserve to find someone and be happy. I grew up believing that love was for children, and that hoping for a person that fills a void inside of yourself was never the smart play. I was wrong. I love you to the edge of the universe and back – you've been the best friend I've ever had, which isn't saying a lot, but you still need to hear it. There is someone out there for you that will meet you halfway and give you what you don't even know you need yet. Find her. And when you do, don't be an idiot. Tell her. Anyone would be lucky to have you. But tell her also that your best friend is a badass ghost now who can kick their ass just as easily now as I could before. They should always feel a part of that fear, at least. Besides, we both know it would be hilarious to watch someone process that information.

Finally, I have a favor to ask of you. I told you about Yelena and my family because I trust you in a way that I don't trust anyone else. If Yelena comes looking for me, help her. She's going to be angry and confused, and will probably lash out at anything within reach, but underneath all of that sass and temper, she's a good person. She had a hard life, too, and while it hurts me to realize I may not be there to help make things right for her, I know that if she has you, she'll be in good hands. She only really knew me when we were younger, aside from my trip to Russia after everything with the Avengers initially went to shit. Help her get to know the person that I became – the person that you know me to be. Underneath all of the pain and trauma that she went through is a girl who just wants to be seen for who she is and be accepted for exactly the person that she became. Give her that. Now, I know it won't be easy. In many ways, she's a bigger pain in the ass than I was when we first met. But do this for me, and I'll be forever grateful. When it gets hard, or when you start losing your patience (and you will), just remember how hard you worked to get me to trust you and to start opening up to you, and give her that same chance. Please? If you hurt her, though, watch your back. I'll come back from the dead just to haunt your ass, and trust me – you wouldn't enjoy it. Well, to be honest, maybe you would – but we're not going to find out, are we?

If she does show up asking questions or looking for a fight, don't show this to her right away. It would break her, and she needs to know that she's with someone safe before she can even think about being vulnerable. Take your time, and if you feel like you're at the end of your rope, you remember what you heard in the forest that day, right? This is the one exception to my rule of never using it. If she knows that I trusted you enough to tell you about that...well hopefully that will be the final push she needs to trust you the way that I do. I hope so.

I can't believe what we're going to try and pull off tomorrow, but if it works – if it works, it will have all been worth it. We owe it to everyone to at least try. Know that I love you, and that I always will. You gave me a part of my life and a piece of myself that I thought was lost forever, and no number of words, tears, or heroic actions could possibly repay you. Remember that; I know that I always will. I love you, Kasey. I never was good at saying it, but I hope with everything I am that you knew anyway. Remember, no matter what – it was always 'whatever it takes.' Regardless, I'll see you soon.

Always,

Natasha.