The life of a Secret "Ultimate Fan-Girl"

Vent and self care

(Content warning: Vent about home life and Hospital)

I'm sat here with a pink guava facial mask on and cuddled up to my dog teddies, trying to stop myself crying and dampening the sticky guava mask...
Why?

That was awfully poetic but the reason is because no matter what I do, I keep getting myself into these awful situations. I explain this to my mum. She doesn't understand. She wants me home when I'm better, and I just feel bad saying no- but I have to. The thing is, my mum's not an awful person- Quite the opposite, she's lovely. But we clash. And there have been moments of physical abuse and plenty of moments of verbal abuse.

And no matter what I do, I feel that in some way she puts the blame on me after everything. If she does something majorly wrong- she has to counter it with all the minor things I did wrong. Like, snapping at her, not sorting through my clothes, etc...
But the worse of all is when she tells me about how much pain I've brought her from being in hospital, but it's painful for me, I'm the one who is disabled, I'm the one who's ill.

So I put my foot down and said I wasn't going home this time and that I'd prefer a residential setting, but she's fighting against it and I can't deal with it. It's not that I don't want to see her.. there's a residential place in my home town that is able to accept me once I'm better. I want to see my mum, I love her- But living with her is hard... And I always wonder "When will I get granted safety?" "Do I even deserve it?" Or "do no safe places even exist?"

The thing is, it should be my choice where I get to live, I'm almost 18 and we already talked about going to supported living when I turned 18. But the fact is, I'm not 18 for six months, so legally I'm still a minor- which means everything has to be decided by even more people than if I were an adult and it means, my mum gets a say.

But I wonder- Why does she fight this when the day I went into hospital this time she said, "you need to go away somewhere for a very long time." Why does she fight this when after just two months of me living at home again she exclaims that she can't look after me, and that I'm putting too much stress on her life... Each and every time..

It's not like hospital is safe, either. Not the teenage wards at least. They're dramatic. And you might be safe from your illnesses- but getting attacked is something you can never predict... and it happens...

I don't know, whatever happens I have to stay strong and I have to refuse to go back living at home, because if I do, it's another hospital admission in the waiting- and that's something I really don't want. Because with each hospital, you never quite know what to expect...