Bitter Affectionate

Chapter 18

I finally got back to Calvin after effectively ignoring him. Admittedly I only met up with him so I could ignore Brent and my uncle, but the reason didn't matter. At least I was with him again.

I went over to his house to watch a movie, since it was devoid of parents or siblings for once. We were on the couch in the living room, watching a cheesy hallmark rom-com. I could tell he was trying his best to act normal. He told more jokes than he usually did. He also hovered a lot. And not just in the figurative sense. He kept reaching out to put a hand on my shoulder or put his arm around me and he always stopped short. Something wasn't right with him, because something wasn't right with me.

Eventually, I had to point it out. While I appreciated the fact that I wasn't the only awkward one, this nightmare had to end.

"You can relax," I said, the fifth time he forgot himself and reached toward me, only to hesitate last minute. "You don't have to tip toe around me. I'm fine."

He seemed taken aback. As if somehow I wouldn't notice how weird he was being. He tried even harder to appear relaxed when he replied. He looked cute tense.

"Am I that bad of an actor?" He asked. I saw a bit of his normal self in his smile so I cracked a grin at him.

"Apparently so."

He let out a hefty breath and sunk into his seat. He stared ahead for a second. One could be fooled into thinking he was watching the movie, but the way his eyes focused was as if he was staring through it. I sat back slightly, resting my arm on the back of the couch as I watched him.

He turned his head to look at me. "Total transparency?" He asked. I nodded. He said, "I feel so weird around you right now."

I tried not to show how nervous that made me.

"Don't get me wrong, I'm so glad you came. I really wanted to see you but I didn't want to push it, you know?" He rambled. I followed the best I could. "But I just... ugh, I don't know. You're a complicated guy, do you know that?"

I took a breath and begrudgingly agreed. "I'm working on that."

I saw his hand move toward me on the couch. I could tell he wanted to reach out, so I leaned closer to him, my unsubtle way of telling him it was okay.

I watched him settle into himself again. He reached a hand up and cupped the side of my face, his thumb stroking my cheek gently.

"I'm worried about you," He said. I didn't say a word. I didn't want to hear my own reply. I didn't like listening to myself anymore. "Really. I think if something's going on, it's better to voice it and maybe that's just because I talk everyone's ear off as is, but it can't be healthy to fester with it. I'm no doctor of course, but you get where I'm coming from. You're not alo-"

Maybe it was purely to shut him up, or maybe it was because I felt so vulnerable and small that I needed this right now, but before he could finish his sentence I leaned forward and pressed my lips against his. He melted against me instantly, turning his body toward me so I could hold him by the waist.

My mind finally silenced, and I took that as a sign. I leaned in closer, kissed him harder. He responded and matched me. His hand on my cheek felt hot. I was losing breath, but I didn't want to break connection.

He pulled back just an inch, not enough for my brain to catch up, and breathlessly said, "I-is this okay? Do you feel okay?"

My ego felt that one a little bit but I nodded. He hesitated but when I leaned forward again, he closed the distance.

His hands were clasped behind my neck within seconds and he was pulling me in until we couldn't be separated if we tried. We took shallow breaths in unison, our chests brushing against each other each time. With a gentle tug, he brought us both down so he was lying back on the cushions and I was leaning over him.

I can't fathom how I kept my balance, since I didn't know where my legs or hands went in this position, but in the moment, I wasn't thinking about that kind of stuff. I wasn't thinking about anything. I was just moving. Exploring. He had more of a system. His experience showed in every movement. He untangled his hands from behind my neck and traced them over my shoulders and down my chest until they landed around my hips. I held myself up by leaning one hand on the cushion beside him. I let the other one rest on his waist where it belonged.

He drew me in closer, if that was even possible. Heat was radiating off of his face. (Or, maybe my face.) He disconnected us again for hardly a second. Enough for us both to open our eyes. He wordlessly looked down and then back up. He was asking me something. I didn't know what but I agreed anyway because that meant we could continue. I pressed my lips against his again and our silent conversation ended. My eyes were shut and the colours dancing behind them seemed brighter than usual. He fiddled with the ends of my shirt for a second, testing the waters. When I didn't react, he reached underneath and let his warm hands trace up my skin. I felt my throat clench. I tensed up ever so slightly. He hardly noticed. He shifted a little, his hand moving higher on my side and my face felt wet. Suddenly, I had stopped kissing him and when I pulled back and tried to work out the problem, he was staring at me in shock.

I opened my mouth and nothing but a weak sob emerged. I wanted to apologize. I knew my face was red but whether that was heat or embarrassment I didn't know. Before I could get a word out, I was full-on crying, like a colossal avalanche let go inside my chest. The strain in my throat made it hurt and suddenly his warmth seemed to smother me.

"Fuck, Drew, I'm sorry," He whispered. He let go of my torso and cautiously reached to cup my cheek again. I felt a jolt in my stomach and I pushed myself away from him until a foot of couch separated us.

His eyes wide, he sat up. His mouth was open to say something, but if he did, I didn't hear him. His image became blurry the more tears that filled my eyes and I was reduced to a shaking, sniffling mess.

He was staring at me. I could feel it. His voice was weak when he said, "You're safe here, I-I'm sorry if I hurt you."

I was the one who ruined everything. Yet he was the one apologizing.

I got up without a word and stumbled to the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind me. I curled myself into a ball and cried like my life was ending. My throat burned and I kept clinging to my clothes like they were strangling me.

One thing was abundantly clear: something happened to me. And I had a feeling that night at the bar wasn't the beginning.

((A/N: can you believe I kept you waiting this long just to deliver some angst? So sorry.

I've seen all of your lovely comments since the last chapter. It means the world that you still support me, even when I'm so inconsistent. I hope this one tides you over until the next one (which is fully planned 👀.) Please comment your thoughts and feelz, I love to see them :) ))