Bitter Affectionate

Chapter 21

Back in the safety of my room, Brent and I collapsed side by side on my bed. The house was quiet. We came back to it empty, which was a relief. Brent may have been lenient about my mental state, but my uncle wouldn't be. He would want to know who, and where, and what happened, and what he could do about it. I was sure I wouldn't survive five minutes of that conversation.

Instead, Brent and I had the peace to lay down and close our eyes, no sound to distract us other than our rhythmic breathing.

I felt exhausted, but not tired. I chewed my lip and felt hyperaware of how silent my phone was. I could feel the anticipation. At some point, Calvin would call me or text me. He'd either be rightfully pissed, considering the mixed signals and dramatics I seemed to expel like a shitty humidifier. Or worse, he'd be apologetic again, and understanding and I'd feel way worse for ditching him.

What the fuck was wrong with me? I had the perfect guy right in front of me. Smart, funny, insanely good looking, and more than willing to be with me. And I didn't just choke, I had a fucking meltdown. Was I just built wrong?

I let my head fall to the side so I could look at Brent. His eyes were shut but his lids moved ever so slightly which told me he wasn't quite asleep. He didn't look well. I hated to bother him with my stuff when he already felt bad, but I nudged his arm anyway.

He peaked an eye open and, upon seeing me looking at him expectantly, woke up fully and turned on his side to give me his attention.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"You've had sex before, haven't you?"

He furrowed his brow in confusion for such a short second, you could convince me it never happened at all. "Once or twice, yeah," Brent responded with a chuckle. "Why?"

I took a breath. "What was it like?"

His cheeks turned a slight red and he grinned the least innocent smile I've ever seen. "I don't know, man," He muttered, glancing away from me. "You've fooled around with girls before."

"Its not the same for me," I said. "I'm not... interested in them like you are."

He inhaled and simply said, "It doesn't suck, I'll tell you that much."

At least ten euphemisms popped into my head at once, each one grosser than the last. I may be gay, but I'm still a guy, and guys are pretty gross, I thought.

"I don't mean it like that," I clarified. "The actual experience. What was it like?"

He smirked, and I could tell from his face that he was dangerously close to laughing. "Do you want a step by step or..?"

I felt my face turn beat red and I turned away from him, sheepishly uttering, "Nevermind. Forget I said anything."

Brent sat up, leaned back on his hands and looking over me with an amused face. "No, no, I'm sorry. I want to help."

I could believe he wanted to help, but no part of me believed he could keep serious long enough to say something helpful.

I propped myself up on my elbows, leaving a minimal amount of space between us to challenge his ability to keep serious. As expected, not a moment passed before he broke into a cheeky grin.

I rolled my eyes at him and gave him a gentle shove, toppling him on his back again as I sat fully upright.

"I'm sorry! Come on, I promise I'll be serious, okay?" He pleaded. I felt an uneasy tingle in my chest. Maybe it was a dumb idea to ask him. I thought we talked about everything, but we hardly ever talked about this.