Bitter Affectionate

Chapter 28

"Go ahead," I responded. He took a seat beside me, leaving enough space for someone to sit between us. He drummed his fingers on his knees and took a second before he breathed in deeply, and exhaled quick.

"I'm sorry," He said and despite how low he spoke, his voice still echoed in the empty gym, "About everything I said. I was totally out of line. I had no right to go after you like that."

I nodded slowly at him, understanding washing over me as I risked looking him in the eye. He didn't budge.

"You're in love with her," I said.

He didn't react how I thought he would. His face didn't turn red, he didn't snap his eyes away from me. He didn't quickly deny it or cave in on himself. He just looked back at me solidly.

"I was," He admitted, "I'm not so much anymore. It's different now."

I narrowed my eyes a little at him. He was awfully self assured for someone who sought me out to apologize. I had a lot of respect for that.

"But you were when you asked me about her."

He nodded, a melancholy smile on his face. "I was. I had been for a long time."

I had more to ask him, but I waited. I could tell something was sitting on the tip of his tongue that he wasn't saying. I gave him space.

He swallowed heavily. "You knew about her," He stated, "But you didn't tell me."

He made it sound like a question.

"It wasn't my place," I answered.

"Thank you. For keeping her secret, for letting her be the one to tell me. Even though it would've been so easy to get me off your back, and I was awful, just... I really appreciate that."

I shrugged away his gratitude. "You would've done the same."

He sighed. I watched him pick at the seam on his jeans, pulling a single yellow thread loose. "Yeah," He said. "But I didn't think you would. I totally misjudged you. I mean, you can't really blame me. It felt like you were a different person every time I talked to you. And after that day... well, I thought you were a total asshole."

I huffed out a laugh. "I am a total asshole."

He bumped his shoulder against mine. "No, you're not. You just do a good job of pretending to be one."

I bit my lip in an attempt to suppress my smile and turned my head away from him. It didn't feel right to accept that compliment, but I felt the effects of it anyway.

"I waited for you outside the change rooms," He told me, "You didn't play today?"

I shook my head. "I'm benched for now. I cut my foot swimming in a litter filled lake."

I heard him laugh beside me and glanced over at him. He was smiling incredulously.

"Very responsible. I hope you got a tetanus shot."

"I did, don't worry. Unfortunately that didn't fix the horror-movie-like gash I got."

"Think of it as a future gnarly scar."

"That sounds a lot better than possible infection."

He chuckled at me. "Will you be okay for the next game?" He asked.

"Definitely."

He angled his head sideways, leaning a little closer to get a good look of my face. "So, why are you sitting in here by yourself like you're waiting for a slow piano to start playing?"

I rolled my eyes at him and contemplated carrying on the joke. But I bit down on that urge and instead said, "I've had it rough recently. I didn't want to be out there, with the team getting congratulated and everyone asking me questions. I can't handle that right now."

He nodded in understanding and leaned back again. "Is it..." He hesitated and I half expected him not to go on. But then he lowered his voice to a whisper and asked, "Is it because of what happened that night?"

Fuck it. "Yeah," I said, "It is."

He sniffed and adjusted in his seat. The voices in the hallway swelled and I knew that meant the players were out of the change room now. I could hear the hype and the whooping, sneakers squeaking and the boys laughing.

"I know I have no right to ask you anything now, especially about that night but..." Joseph began. I felt myself tense as he looked up at me, jaw set and eyebrows downturned. "But I want you to know - whatever happened - I'm sorry. I'm sorry no one was looking out for you. I'm sorry no one had your back. And if you need anything at all, I'm around."

I stared back at him like he was a foreign creature I didn't recognize. Despite the space that remained between us, I had the same warm feeling I'd have if he wrapped his arms around me. I exhaled heavily and leaned down, resting my elbows on my knees. He mirrored me and we were slouched, leaning toward each other with hardly any space between our faces.

I blurted, "I didn't cheat on Hally."

He furrowed his brow. "You don't have to-"

"Just- let me finish," I said. His mouth shut and he nodded cautiously. Everything in me wanted to look away from him, then. The voices just beyond the gym door were migrating and disappearing. The game was long over. Both of us were long forgotten. "There was a girl there that night, she was someone I knew. She came to talk to me when I was alone at the bar and she..." It felt like I had just told this story seconds ago. I clenched my jaw. I thought it would be easier to say now, or that Joseph would be smart enough to fill in the blanks himself. But as he looked back at me, he still had a confused scrunch to his forehead and his eyes were round and watchful.

If I waited for him to get it, I'd be waiting forever. I had to bite the bullet.

"She was drunk. I told her to back off. She said things to me I'm not going to repeat," I whispered. I had a burning in my throat. Was I crying? I felt like I should've been. I watched the realization pass over Joseph's face, but I felt brave. So I kept going. "She forced herself on me and I didn't know how to push her away. Hally must've seen it happen. But she didn't do anything. No one did."

His lips parted but he covered his mouth with his hand to hide his reaction from me. It was too late for that. I didn't move from in front of him. I waited anxiously for him to say anything at all.

It took him a second, but he finally managed to get a word out. "Jesus. That's... that's awful. I can't believe...."

I could see him unravel at the seams and felt the need to step in. "It- it's okay. She didn't... she just grabbed me and kissed me. No one could've known what was happening."

"Don't do that," He said quickly. His voice was firm. "Don't minimize it, don't excuse it. It wasn't okay. It shouldn't have happened." I opened my mouth but he reached out and took either of my hands in his, squeezing them tightly. "Hey, I mean it. You didn't deserve that. I'm sorry you went through that and I'm sorry that you have to carry it with you."

I looked down at our hands. He was rubbing his thumb against the back of mine. My hands were clammy. But his were soft, and slightly rough on the edges. I pulled him toward me and he instantly reciprocated. He enveloped me in a hug, our bent legs tangling together, and he tucked his face into the crook of my neck.

I didn't cry. I let him hold me and it felt safe. Like, despite being in the optimal position to do so, he wouldn't press his lips against my neck or let his hands travel further down my torso. He only held me.

I felt safe telling him - just as I told my uncle: "That's not all, I think-"

We were cut off by the squeak of sneakers. I pulled away faster than Joseph did and I felt the odd look he gave me when I did so. I didn't respond to it.

Brent was in the doorway, his hair still wet from his shower. He'd changed out of his uniform and he had his bag on his shoulder. Most notable, his eyes bore into us with a fierceness I hardly recognized.

I stood and, like an obediant dog who'd just been called by its master, I went to him.