Hard For Me

07

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"One time I woke up with a hangover. I thought I was at some hotel again after a night with a random woman. But I wasn't. I was in Rose's room. And..

"And she was beside me. N-naked. Her back was in front of me and she was sniffing silently. That made me sit up quickly. I can't remember anything. I have no a single idea. I was just at a bar. And now I.. I was there on a bed with her. We've never shared a bed after my drinking habit worsened. There is a blood stain on the sheets which means one thing." I gulped. "I.. I raped her.. I raped my love, my wife, my life. I raped her."

For the nth time, I broke down again. Whenever I'm reminded of this, I can't help but think of how evil I've become.

"That.. That was my wake up call." I sniffed on the tissue paper. I almost used half of my therapists' tissues.

"I changed after that night and it's not just me. Rose also changed. She became unresponsive. She didn't talk to me nor scream at me like she usually does when I come home drunk. She just suddenly became.. mute. I haven't heard her voice after that night. Her voice is mute, but her eyes.. Her eyes contains the words that she's longing to slap on my face. I still can't remember how that night happened and I don't want it to ever cross my mind because I don't wanna recall what evil things I did when I forced myself on her." I look down on the floor.

"So I decided to give her a break that time. I thought that would be better for both of us. I gave her a chance to roam around Paris for like a couple of weeks while I went to a rehabilitation center here in Italy so I could heal myself. I want to eradicate the evil inside of me. I want to be better. And I also want to give her some time to breathe.

"When she came back, a slight change was visible to my eyes the moment she stepped out of the plane. I also changed as well after my daily schedules at the rehab, I get to finally have back my old sane state.

"But the downside is she still doesn't talk to me. I guess that's fine. At least I can see it in her eyes that she's healing. No more disgust and anger. I thought that was fine at least. That was an improvement already. She also let me feed her and take care of her," I nodded.

"That went on for long. She's still silent but she's letting me take care of her. And I was fine with that. I love taking care of her." I pursed my lips.

"Until a week before our fifth wedding anniversary came. I already planned a surprise for her that I know she'll love. I was planning that we should celebrate it at the park where we got married. I already called someone to prepare a good picnic set-up with white horses because that was her childhood wish. To ride a horse at a nice scenery." My eyes dart to him who was listening every detail. "B-but she had other plans.."

I stood this time and walked back and forth in short steps. I rubbed my chin for the nth time today before I got back to my seat. I placed my elbows on my knees, my hands clasped together as if praying something to God.

"I want to ask God why.. Why can't the woman I love, love me back?" My tears fell again. "She told me she w-wanted an a-annulment and asked me to send her back to her family. She want to end things between us. I-I badly want to kill myself that time.." My knuckles almost turned white. "She knew my weakness and by merely saying that with no emotion on her face just made the slice she cut through my heart hurt everything else in my wholebeing.." Hinilamos ko ang palad sa mukha. That memory made me silent. It was just so painful.

"I want to h-hold on to her tightly because I l-love her.. I'll die if she's not.. with m-me.. Hindi ko kaya.." I think I became a baby again. I cry like one right now.

"At the same time I don't want to cage her more to me knowing that all I gave her was pain and pain. It took me time to think it through. I thought she just missed her family so I moved our flight early so we could spend more time there. I want to make it work again. I was willing to do everything to make it work well this time. I won't give her up," I shook my head like a boy saying no to a toy he didn't want.

"Until.. Until one of my men informed me that Draco was around. They reported that he had been seeing Rose even when she was at Paris. That made my blood boil and in just a snap I came back to my evil version again. I was out of control again.

"I," gulping hard, "forced myself on her again and again because I got desperate to get her pregnant so he won't take her away from me."

I feel helpless. Why can't she love me like I do? Why can't I replace Draco in her heart?

"And for the first time after months of being silent, Rose finally broke down and rubbed everything I did to my face."

"Ikaw! Ikaw ang may kasalanan kung bakit iniwan ako ulit ni Draco sa pangalawang pagkakataon! Anong nangyari sa 'yo, Daniel? Paano ka naging ganito?" She sobbed. "Ayaw ng parents ko kay Draco kaya nakipagsabwatan ka sa kanila na i-kidnap siya?! Anong klaseng kahayupan 'yon, Dan! All this time you've fooled me with your plans! But I know it all now! Alam ko na kung anong klaseng demonyo ka! I'm done being your slave, Dan! Let me go, please. Enough with this pain, I'm so tired. Gusto ko lang makasama si Draco. Give us this chance, pakiusap. Huwag niyo na kaming guluhin," my lips parted when she kneeled, her hands clasped tight.

I was just done forcing myself on her, again. She didn't bother wearing clothes as she immediately begged for her freedom. Crying hopelessly and pleading for me to let her go.

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