See The Rainbows In My Eyes

Pleasureless

Thursday 15th April 1976

It's a stomach bug, Sirius told himself as he searched the castle. It wasn't. He knew it wasn't. But pretending gave him a little bit of peace.

His stomach did leaps and pirouettes, heart pushed and pounded against his ribcage, screaming, "LET ME OUT!" but Sirius kept every emotion in as he turned corridor after corridor, ran up staircase after staircase.

The walls he'd built as a child were slowly tumbling down and letting in the thing he feared most. Change. Part of him was frantically trying to stop it all while the other was reclined back, teacup in hand, sipping leisurely as he watched the chaos unfold.

He wanted to jump out a window and fall until the plummet knocked him out or grab a loofah and bar of soap and scrub himself raw until this feeling washed off. But on the flip side, he loved it, this feeling in his stomach. He'd rather bathe in it than see it go to waste.

This wasn't like him, this vulnerability wasn't like him.

Sirius was beginning to feel again, and it scared the shit out of him.

A boy, a fucking boy with blue fucking eyes and blonde fucking hair was invading his mind and turning his sanity upside down. There was a reason he didn't trust Slytherins and this was proof.

Sirius stopped by the courtyard, gripping his knees as he panted. On a Thursday afternoon, you'd think a girl would be wandering around, but no, they all had to be goody little toe-shoes and attending class.

Except for one, that was. When Sirius lifted his head he spotted her sitting on a bench under an oak tree. A book laid open on her lap and she read peacefully, tapping her foot against the dirt.

No one ever read outside on a cloudy day, not when libraries and cozy common rooms existed. That was unless they were hoping to attract attention. Guess that was the case because when she caught Sirius' hungry eye, the book became forgotten, snapped shut without marking her page.

He straightened up and surveyed her entirely. Her hair was a lovely whisky, the colour of fallen leaves browned and sleek with the first rain of autumn. Her eyes were the same, so rich and dark you could grow roots in them.

Yeah, she'll do.

And next thing he knew they were in some empty classroom, snogging each other's faces off. The girl had fast hands, fumbling with the buttons of his dress shirt, then distressing his hair as she pulled him closer.

Sirius was too busy searching for that thing to care about the small hands running over his bare chest or the sweet nothings being mumbled against his lips. That thing that made his heart swelter foolishly. That thing that erupted a fire in his core.

But there was no fire. Not even a spark.

Sirius began to panic because he felt nothing. Kissing had lost its heat, its thrill. It felt...wrong.

He pulled away, lips puffy and red. "Um- this was...really nice, but..." he began walking back, hitting a few desks in the process.

The girl laughed. "What's wrong? Don't fancy a classroom? We can always go back to your dorm if you'd-"

"Nope, no, no, that's- no." If possible, his mind stuttered, blanking in and out like a flickering lightbulb. He didn't have a chance to breathe.

The girl- what's her name? Whatever- the girl came closer, dragging her fingers along the desks she passed. A year ago Sirius would've thought it was the hottest thing, but now...now it looked cheap, bland. Like an off-brand coat or bitter chocolate.