See The Rainbows In My Eyes

Grave Mistakes Part 2

Saturday 12th June 1976

James didn't ask questions, he didn't scold him, he didn't say how fucking insane Sirius was to have let this happen. He just ran out into the night, no cloak, no second-guessing. James would always run into danger, no matter the cost, no matter how insane he himself was being. He left Sirius in their dorm to drown in his worry and dashed to stop what could be a catastrophe.

Sirius cried like a scared, pathetic child, breaking down until there was nothing but a lousy heart in his hollow chest. His breath caught when a howl echoed through the night, a sound once beautiful but now terrorizing. He stumbled towards the window only to see a perfect milk bowl of a moon placed high in the sky.

Remus would never forgive him and Sirius didn't expect him to. He lost his friend the second he'd encountered Snape. There was no turning back from that moment. The end was already written.

He imagined Remus' face when he transformed back, hands covered in blood, metallic taste in his mouth, breathing heavily as he called for his friends, only to see that there was no one there. No one to explain to him what had happened, why his hands were covered in blood other than his own. 

He imagined Remus breaking down, the world caving around him as he faced the epitome of horror. As he looked upon a torn-up, savaged boy. A dead boy. As he finally accepted himself as the monster he'd denied himself to be.

But because of his ill intent and reckless behavior, Sirius would forever be the nature behind the killing. Remus was just a pawn. That was a type of guilt he didn't know how to handle, being responsible for taking a life even if he hadn't held the knife.

What was only an hour seemed to melt into years. Sirius checked the clock every five seconds only to see it stay in the same exact position. He looked outside at the grounds, hoping to catch a glimpse of James returning with Severus, but so far there were no signs of return. The night was silent, painfully silent.

He chewed his fingernails until they were bloody, cuticles torn and flesh stuck in his teeth, the skin on his lips had been picked off in frustration. They throbbed and burned when he touched them, the pads of his fingers covered in dried blood.

Sirius was a coward. He should be the one down there cleaning up his mess, not James. James was risking his life just to save his undeserving arse.

The nerves and stress built up until he couldn't take it anymore. When Sirius got angry, he broke stuff like an expensive vase or vintage mirror. Unlike his old home, there wasn't a single priceless item here, in their messy dorm, worth shattering. So in a wave of thoughtless impulse, he faced the window. Maybe shards of glass in his knuckles would compensate for the damage he'd done, the blood he'd spilled? Maybe if he punched it enough, he'd get a taste of what he'd brought upon Snape, upon Remus?

Sirius longed to be bandaged before he'd been cut.

He was about to thrust his fist forward when their door creaked open and a long shadow drew across the floor. He whipped around to see James standing in the doorway, trainers smeared in mud, shirt teared at the hem, his expression blank and distant.

"Snape's fine," James said before Sirius had the chance to ask. "He's shaken up. Got a good look at Remus before I pulled him out." He walked inside, shoes tracking mud, going over to his dresser where he pulled out clean clothes. His movements were unusual, tired, barely able to stand as if caught in a twilight zone. "Can't say he won't turn you in, honestly wouldn't blame him."

The way James spoke was something Sirius had never heard. At least, not directed towards him. It wasn't angry or sad, there was no pitch or sink in his words. In fact, he was completely monotone as if all his energy and life were drained by a Dementor.