Lady Eilean

Chapter 43

I did not rush headlong into work. Instead, I hid in my rooms sulking until lunchtime when I finally shuffled up to the study, intent on getting some accounts balanced. Hopefully, the distraction of numbers and calculations would stop the endless, gloomy roll of thoughts through my head.

Alex was waiting there, leaning against the doorjamb. Clean, dressed and freshly pressed. He looked a mile better than he had earlier, hungover and rumpled from sleep. A slow smile spread across his face as I approached.

"I thought I might find you here." He checked a battered pocket watch that hung from his vest. "You weren't here earlier, and you weren't here an hour ago, but I knew work would eventually lure you."

With only a glare in his direction, I swept past him and unlocked the door, pushing into the office. Sunlight streamed into the room. I was annoyed by its cheerfulness. I walked into the room and settled down at my desk. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Alex move into the room. He watched me for a few moments while I pretended to scratch out a letter. Nonsense words that formed nonsense shapes on the page.

"What?" I snapped, looking up at him.

"You are angry with me. You said we would talk about it. So I'm here, now, to talk about it."

Exhaustion overcame me, and I slouched in my chair. I did not want to talk about it. I wanted to forget the morning and start fresh. The light in Alex's eyes told me I could not wiggle out of the conversation. Perhaps celebration days were no good if the next day everything turned upside down and you had to navigate the fallout with a throbbing headache.

I took a breath, trying to compose myself. Biting the inside of my cheek. I did not trust myself to speak. Tears sprang to my eyes unbidden, fueled by my frustration.

"I'm not angry," I said.

"You nearly evicted me from Stormway," Alex countered with a dry laugh.

I shook my head. "No, I would never. Not again."

He considered my face, apprised whatever he found there, and nodded, accepting my answer.

Steeling myself, I blurted out my question before cowardice could overcome me. "Why does it matter if the servants see you in my bed? It has been years, Alex. Our... our..." I couldn't think of a word innocent enough. "Our nights together are no secret. If you are ashamed of —"

"No!" He reached out and captured my hand in his. "It is not shame. Never shame. Never regret. I only ever meant to preserve your reputation. Your standing —"

I bristled at the word. He nodded his head as if he understood the unfortunate connotation.

"I know you do not wish to be protected, Eilean. But others would not blame or ridicule me, a man, as they would you if they were to find out." Tenderness tugged at his every feature.

My mouth went dry, both at his concern and at the echo of Innis' suggestion of his feelings for me.

I looked at our joined hands, rubbed my thumb over the back of his knuckles. "Alex, can I ask you a ridiculous question?"

"Is it ridiculous because you know the answer or because you are afraid of what you will learn?"

My heart slammed against my chest, a warm blush made my face feel tight. My emotions and thoughts were haphazard enough, untrustworthy enough, on a good day. I looked up at his face, hunting for the trap. There was none. Alex's face, as always, was open and curious. Kind.

"Neither?" I breathed, unsure of my answer.

"I am at your mercy, my lady. Please ask me whatever you wish."