Hi.
Its August 21st.
I'm having a terrible day.
I don't know why or how. I was all about it this morning and then something happened and I've been shitty ever since.
I don't feel like doing anything. Laying in bed sounds nice. Doing nothing and just staring. Not answering any text. Doing nothing. And being lazy.
Which actually is depression and my anxiety acting up. Or I'm just lazy like everyone says I am.
I'm getting a lot of indirect insults. I know my family isn't trying to be mean about it, but it still hurts. And I can't be anymore irritated by it. My family is a bunch of drinking idiots, my grandfather the biggest one.
My grandfather says I'm a spitting image of him. But that's really an insult. I must be selfish, lazy, arrogant and stubborn. Because that's what he is. I hate it.
I want to be me. I want to be the sweet, precious, kind girl my friends and girlfriend describes me as. I'm none of those. If anything, I'm a rude, selfish, narcissistic teenager.
All I do is get irritated and snap at people who get me angry. Make me do something. And worst of all, its a demand. I'm forced to do things. I don't want to do anything. As of now, I want to fucking curl up and cry. I can't say die because I have my girlfriend and best friend to live for. I'm just not into it.
And people try to talk to me as if I know what they're talking about. I don't. It pisses me off so much that they think so little of me. I know I can't do much and I don't want to do much, but at least say it directly instead of making me overthink.
I roleplay. With my girlfriend. Token x Craig for life, babe. But Token is abused and I know it could be a sensitive topic, but its really affecting me. I flinch at little contact and I apologize constantly. It was an act that affected me. I don't want to stop it because I love doing it, but I really need a break.
A long break. Doing nothing and getting more depressed than I am. That's what I want to do.
A lot of shit had happened over the last few days but my memory is so terrible I can't remember. I just know I have mild anxiety and moderate depression from taking a test online. Several times and several different tests.
That doesn't help.
I guess that's all. I'm gonna go cry in my bed and let my stomach rumble because I barely ate today.
I love you, babe. And I love you too, Nazzy.
Thats all.
