My Reason To Live

5

Warnings:
-Self harm/blood

Clay's POV

I just let my fingers bleed and skipped the rest of the class. The next class I had an appointment with my school counsellor. Reluctantly, I walked to the office since I didn't want even more problems than I already had.

Once I got there, I slammed the door behind me and sat down on a chair, grabbing an energy drink. My counsellor looked at me and smiled.

'How have you been?'

I ignored her and lifted my feet up on the table, grabbing my phone.

'How have you been feeling this week?'

'I don't feel anything, stupid son of a bitch.'

'I heard you ended up self harming again, would you like to tell me what happened?' she asked me nicely.

'No.'

'Have you been thinking a lot about your past again?'

'No, asshole. Shut your stupid mouth if you can't say anything useful. I don't want to talk to some as dumb as you are, unfortunately everyone is as dumb as you are. Everyone is the same and I don't want to talk. I don't feel anything and I won't feel anything if I talk about it either.'

'I will help you with planning your homework.'

'No, just let me go home. I want to feel pain again, bye.'

I stood up and walked away without saying anything else. I ended up running as fast as I could to be away from this dumb school and just live my life in peace.

I wished I could just feel anything. I wished I could feel happiness, but at this point I even wished to feel sadness. I just wanted to feel something.

I sat down on a bench in the park and stared in front of me. I felt so empty, it was so upsetting since I really wanted to feel something. I didn't even know how it felt to love someone. I didn't love my parents, I didn't hate them either. I just felt nothing.

TW self harm

I grabbed my pocket knife and started swinging it through the air, letting it get closer to my skin. I eventually ended up cutting myself again and felt the urge to just rip all the stitches out to feel even more pain.

I decided not to do that, but just poked my skin with the knife. It caused me to have multiple bleeding marks which also ended up being pretty deep. I kept just stabbing my own arm and made a few cuts with a smile. I could finally feel something.

TW over

It still didn't make me happy. I really wished to feel something again. I wanted to love my parents. At this point I even wished to cry about it, but I couldn't cry either.

TW blood

I sighed and poked my skin a few times again, just waiting another twenty minutes for it to completely stop bleeding. I rolled my sleeves down and stood up to walk home while I drank another energy drink and ate a chocolate bar.

TW over

Somewhere I knew everyone was trying to be nice to me, but I just wanted to hurt people. They should be happy that they could feel emotions, I wished to feel the feeling of being upset.

I entered my house a bit later and my dad was sitting on the couch with my mother in his arms. My mother was crying and they didn't notice me coming in.

'I don't know how we can help him anymore,' my mother whispered with a loud sob after. 'I'm trying so hard to make him love us, but we always end up doing the wrong thing. He keeps cutting himself, he constantly games and doesn't listen to anything we say.'

'I know, honey. I know it's making you really upset, but I'll be here to help you get through it. I will talk to him about seeking help.'

'He wouldn't want help. He doesn't see that he's addicted to gaming and that he needs help. He's not only breaking himself, but I can't deal with it either anymore. I'm doing everything I can and he hurts me so much with the things he says.'

'He doesn't mean it. He's traumatised, sweetie.'

'But I don't know how to help him anymore.'

'We can't give up on him, okay? You can try to leave him for a little and I will be extra sweet to him to make him like us a bit more.'

'But I can't let you deal with it alone.'

'I have a thick enough skin to let him hurt me. I hope he will love us someday, but if he doesn't then we still did everything in our power.'

My mother nodded and I sighed as I threw my bag to the couch, grabbing a can of energy drink. 'Anyway, I'm going to game.'

'Why are you here?' my dad said with a confused face.

'Didn't feel like staying.'

'Sweetie, can we discuss something?' my dad asked me as he stood up.

'No, I don't want therapy. Those dickheads are just annoying as hell.'

'They are professionals.'

'Congrats. You realise it's all your fault, right?'

'But we-,' my mother started, but my dad grabbed her hand and shook his head.

'Leave it,' he said. 'It's fine, Clay. I just hope you will realise that we saved you one day.'

'SAVED ME?' I screamed. 'I would have been a thousand times happier if you just let me die. You're the cause of all of this, you are the reason I don't feel anything. I don't even love you at all, I wouldn't cry if you died either. I wish I would, but I can't feel anything. If you just would have left me to die, everything would have been great for everyone. I'm such a pain, right?'

I walked off without waiting for a reply and sat in my room as I closed all curtains and grabbed my headset. I ate some crisps, drank energy and started gaming again to forget everything around me.

Once I was gaming I got distracted from the emptiness inside of me. The emptiness that was driving me crazy but didn't make me feel that either. I wished there would be anything that was going to change it.

1047 words