INSURGENT: Tobias

Chapter 14

Chapter 14

My feet wander aimlessly around the Candor complex, but my eyes don’t notice any of it. I don’t know where I am and I don’t know where I’m going. I stop in my tracks glancing down the long, empty hallway in front of me and realize that I am completely alone.

The thought makes my body shiver and the blood in my veins turn to ice. These past few months feel like they’ve been taken from me and I’m just Four again. I’m just the same coward that nobody really knows. But that isn’t true anymore, though, in this moment, it feels like it is. Tris does know me. She does. I repeat the words long enough to put myself at ease and accept the truth. Because it is the truth.

I take a deep breath to steady my heartbeat, which has been working in overdrive since the moment I left Tris. After a couple of seconds, it works and my breathing evens out. Everything, it seems, has been happening all too quickly and harshly for me to consider it. In a matter of days, I’ve become a person that I don’t think I can recognize anymore. I’m not Tobias Eaton. I’m not Four. To be frank, I don’t know who I am.

And I don’t think it matters at this point.

Somehow, I find my way back through the maze of hallways to the dining hall, ready to distract myself with the new food this faction has to offer. I force myself not to let my mind stray. But, as I grab a tray of food and seat myself at an empty table off in a corner somewhere, I can’t help but feel like someone, everyone, is staring at me. I keep my eyes lowered, so I can’t be sure, but the heat of their eyes burns like fire against my skin and I’m paralyzed by the judgment that I can feel pouring out of them.

I can almost hear the whispers around the room. They seem to say, “There he is. The Dauntless coward, the prodigy afraid of his own father.” Or something of the sort. My skin prickles as I absorb the weight that the words inflict upon me. I glance up cautiously, apprehensive of the eyes that might meet mine when I do. But the eyes around the room aren’t focused on me, not at all.

I hate who Marcus turns me into. He makes me feel weak and cowardly and unimportant. Slowly, I feel myself slipping into old habits, when I would lower my eyes to the ground, fade to the shadows, and do whatever I could to make sure I wasn’t noticed.

But that’s just not who I am anymore. I’ve become someone else. I am worthy of happiness. I am worthy of love.

I try to ingrain the words into my mind, to force myself to accept them. The longer I think the words, though, the more I find ways to refute them. Why should I deserve happiness? Love? I am nothing. In my two years as a member of Dauntless, I have only served to provide an example to others.

Look at him, the guy with four fears!

Well, their ‘Dauntless prodigy’ is a coward and now they all know. I am no one to look up to. I’m isolated and it has taken me eighteen years just to find someone who I could trust, open up to, with who I really am.

But Tris and I have come at a crossroads. She’s stubborn and won’t allow any other person to see her in pain, she doesn’t trust anyone to help her. I want to, God, I wish she would let me help her. I’m not going to chase after someone who doesn’t want me. If that’s the case, I wish she would just tell me, rip the bandage off quickly.

The thought sends a wave of sadness crawling into every inch of my body. To leave Tris now, after everything, would be a stab in the chest, one I’m not sure I would ever recover from.

Someone snaps their fingers in front of my face and all of my thoughts leave my mind. My eyes focus and small pulls onto my lips.

“Shauna.” I say as I stand up from my seat to give her a quick hug. “I heard you were here.”