INSURGENT: Tobias

Chapter 19

Chapter 19

We've collectively made the decision to eavesdrop on the meeting between Jack Kang and Erudite. But that meeting is hours from now, twelve hours to be exact. Time passes slowly at our table in the cafeteria. Lynn, Lauren, Tris and I are the only ones left, making idle conversation because we have nothing else to do. Zeke followed Shauna to God knows where in an attempt to calm her and Uriah and Marlene abandoned the table in search of something a little more thrilling to waste the time away until seven in the morning.

Tris twitches and stirs in her seat. Something in me says that she would've rather gone with Uriah and Marlene than stay here pretending to be interested in the conversation. But I'm glad that she's here right now, sitting next to me peacefully—or as peacefully as Tris can be. Too often it seems like the only conversations between me and Tris are fights. I can't remember the last time I held her in my arms. It's been too long and I don't see a resolution happening between us any time soon. As much as the thought haunts me, it's become the truth of our relationship recently.

Lauren sits across from me, her hair a tangled mess of dreds. We trade ideas back and forth about our different initiation methods; her with the Dauntless-borns and me with the transfers. Though the conversation is not entirely exciting, it's the only thing we have right now to take our minds off of everything.

While we exchange thoughts, I can't help but notice Lauren's eyes travelling to the space between where Tris and I sit. It makes the urge to reach an arm around Tris's waist and close the gap between us almost unbearable. But I resist. Every few minutes, Lauren's eyes wander to the same place before she looks up and meets my eyes, making the air between us stale and awkward for a couple of seconds. Though the conversation between us is civil enough, Lauren's actions make me think that she's still hurt from my rejection last year.

If only she asked Tris how our relationship is going, then maybe Lauren would rethink her desire to be with me. For some reason, I seem to be horrible at relationships.

I try to keep the less-than-thrilling conversation about Dauntless initiation going. To my relief, it doesn't take much effort. But it also doesn't take my mind off of everything else. Instead, I feel hyperaware of Tris swirling around the food on her plate, apparently bored out of her mind. Lynn and her have yet to start up a conversation.

"I wonder if we'll be able to return to the old way after all this is over," Lauren says when we run out of things to say about initiation.

"If there's a faction left after all this is over," Lynn says sourly, scooping her mashed potatoes onto a bread roll.

"Don't tell me you're going to eat a mashed-potato sandwich," Tris says to her, the first attempt she's made at a conversation with Lynn.

"So what if I am?" Lynn replies. Just like that, the conversation is dead and we all retreat to the food on our plates.

I grab my roll of bread and dig my knife into the small mound of butter on my plate, planning to butter my roll rather than stuff mashed potatoes in it. As my knife makes contact with the bread, a deep voice hisses in my ear.

"Coward," it says. And my body becomes rigid with the accusations that go with the word. Several more people whisper the word into my ears as they pass behind me. I squeeze my fist tightly against the butter knife and clench my teeth in an effort to ground myself.

"What idiots," Lauren starts. "And the Candor, for making you spill your life story for everyone to see...they're idiots too."

I should be grateful to Lauren for attempting to stick up for me, but all I really want her to do right now is shut up. I drop the knife and bread onto my plate and push my chair back from the table.