Fanfics I'll never write but god I wish I would

Loki joins the Suicide Squad

this is literally just exactly what the title says and I have no idea how to write any of the SS characters so obviously this will never become a fic (unless someone else wants to write it wink wink nudge nudge) but here's the rundown of what happens (also no I didn't accidentally post this in my oneshot book instead of my fics-ill-never-write book shut up)

- Loki's been in jail since 2012 because apparently destroying half of New York has consequences?

- He is perfectly capable of breaking out at any point btw he just hasn't

- Yes there's a power dampener on him just like Polka Dot Man but no it does not work and no he has not told anyone about that

- Waller's going on about how he comes from legend and he's basically a god (a la Nat in Avengers because I love that scene) and Bloodsport's not even phased by it because honestly at this point he doesn't even know what weird is anymore

- Except when Waller opens his door Loki's got that cheeky grin on his face and he's about to go into that self-assured mocking "how desperate are you" spiel he likes giving people when they come to ask him for help but then he sees Bloodsport and he just kinda stares at him for a minute and he's like "... Heimdall?"

- It is not, in fact, Heimdall

- Then they go meet Cleo and Bloodcatcher's all creeped out by Sebastian and Loki doesn't understand why at all because like he doesn't know Midgardian animal etiquette so he has no idea rats are supposed to be dirty and gross so when Sebastian holds out his lil hand and Bloodsport's like i'M nOt ShAkInG tHaT tHinGs HaNd Loki's like welp and shakes Sebastian's hand himself and goes "Nice to meet you" and from that moment on he is Cleo's favorite

- Loki spends the entire meeting making sarcastic comments. Peacemaker keeps shooting him dirty looks, Abner is very uncomfortable, and Nanaue doesn't understand any of it but it makes Cleo laugh and occasional gets a chuckle out of Bloodsport (and, more importantly, it annoys Waller) so he enjoys it

- Once they're on the beach and they come to the conclusion that they're safe and can keep going in peace, Loki pulls out a knife and puts it to his throat. Bloodsport's like dude what the fuck but Loki's like "Not. A. Word." because Waller and her people can still hear them, they just can't see, and he literally just fuckin. cuts out the explosive chip. right there. and it's only like a tiny lil cut too like he just needed to open the skin and his telekinesis could do the rest so he's perfectly fine rn.

- Abner is about to pass out anyway

- Loki sees them all looking at him weirdly and he's like "... you want me to get yours, too?" and they're all very quick to say no because no one wants that fuckin knife on their throat wtf

- It's like five minutes later when Waller's finally like "Task Force X what the fuck is Loki doing just standing over there" and Loki's like "oh yes right I took out your tracking chip :))))" and she can't even do anything about it and it makes Loki very happy

- That first night, Loki just. does not sleep. he just sits there with his back against the tree and watches everyone else. He sees Abner vomit polka dots and just raises an eyebrow. Nanaue tries to eat Cleo and he just smiles.

- That one actually pisses Bloodsport off so after the whole rat thing is over he starts yelling at Loki about how they're supposed to be a team and how they have to watch each other's backs and not let their team members eat each other and Loki just looks and him and goes "I'm just here for the adventure. I couldn't care less what happens to you lot." (but when everyone else is fast asleep, Loki sits against the tree and pets Sebastian for a few hours because he does really like the rat)