a/n: cool this started as a vent fic :0
Kokichi knew he would be alone forever.
It was practically a fact he expected to know his whole life. Even with D.I.C.E., he assumed that they would leave at some point.
Call it his trust issues or his depression, either way, he was used to his inevitable and almost comfortable loneliness.
Though after this killing game, the feeling of being alone lost it's comfort.
He was surrounded by him, and only him, and all his thoughts and feelings and all he did and all he didn't do. He had no motivation. No productivity. He was falling into a spiral of darkness.
And it hurt knowing he had no one to talk to about it.
He knew everyone else from the killing game were together. No, they weren't perfect as a group, obviously. But they were doing better, healing together. He could even hear them laughing together from outside his door.
Who was Kokichi to barge in on something like that? To burden them? To annoy them? To ruin everything?
No, he wasn't a part of their developing friendship. He just wasn't.
No matter how many texts Shuichi sent him. The "Are you okay?" texts. The "Do you want to come to lunch with us?" texts. The "You can talk to me" texts.
Kokichi rarely answered any of them. No matter if he really wanted to or not.
Shuichi started to come to Kokichi's door every day. He would send a text to Kokichi, letting him know that he's there.
Some of the time, Kokichi didn't even see the message. His phone was hidden away during those times, as he didn't even want to see the attempts to reach out anymore.
But even when he did see it, he swiped the message away.
Despite his growing fear of loneliness, and how much he liked Shuichi, he didn't want to see him. He didn't want to ruin Shuichi's life just by showing up in it. It wouldn't be fair, it was better for him to just fall behind, and fade into the background. Let the past killing game contestants forget about him.
Sure, it hurt to be lonely, but it was better that way.
Still, Shuichi came to Kokichi's room.
Sometimes he'd knock and offer food.
Kokichi never opened the door. He had his own snacks, he took them late at night when no one was around.
When he told Shuichi that, Shuichi still didn't leave. He kept coming. He would stand outside for about half an hour, before telling Kokichi he'd be back tomorrow.
But he would eventually stop coming, Kokichi knew that. He even hoped that Shuichi would stop. He didn't want for him to waste his time.
And one day Kokichi's hopes came true.
Shuichi's visits became less frequent. Instead of every day, he came about three times a week. And it continued that way, until the visits stopped.
But it was okay. That's what Kokichi wanted.
The texts continued sometimes, but Kokichi barely responded.
So Shuichi stopped texting. It made sense.
Kokichi had pushed him away, just like he wanted to. Just like he deserved. It was better that way right?
Right?
It didn't really matter to him that it hurt him, only that he could now stop hurting others. One day, he'd leave everyone's presence and he'd never hurt them again.
But for now, all Kokichi was left with was uncomfortable loneliness.
