rosyln ~ s. black

Chapter Five

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How long can someone go without sleep? For the past several nights, multiple occurrences have occupied my mind, leaving me unable to shut off. First, it was the Slytherins on the field past curfew, then the night after was Lily's sleep talking, and now it's simply my own thoughts. The other day I walked in on the boys laughing in the corner of the common room, but quickly shushing when I came near. Not going to lie, it made me feel like crap. Then in Astrology yesterday, James could barely look me in the eye when we were talking. And, of course, the new D.A.D.A. professor has been assigning loads of homework, and Sirius and I have a bet going to see when in the year she'll quit (or die).

For the past two hours I've been tossing and turning, staring at the ceiling, trying to solve potion equations to fall asleep, and I finally decide to take a walk on the grounds. I try to stand up as quietly as I can, putting wool socks on to cover the sound of my footsteps, and sneak out of my dorm room, almost falling down the stairs. I stare into the fire-lit commons before turning out the Gryffindor door and into the dark castle hallways. Using my wand as a light, I guide the halls on route to the lake while trying to avoid as many professors as possible.

The moment I exit the school window, the freezing air sends a chill down my spine, goosebumps rising on my arms. The night breeze sends my hair into my face, so I put it into a low pony- fly away baby hairs falling out to be free. I head down the steep hill towards the tree near the lake; my happy place. Already, from 15 meters away, I can see the giant squid awake and ready to eat. Then I make out a shadow sitting in my spot under the willow tree, book in hand.

"What are you doing up so late?" The boy turns his head towards me- clearly not expecting company. I smell the cigarette before I see it.

"I could ask you the same thing." Dropping down next to him, my back lays against the bark of the tree, and I shift in the grass, trying to get comfortable.

"I couldn't sleep."

"Up thinking about me?"

I don't look at him, but I can sense his smirk, causing me to be thankful for the darkness covering my blush.

"You wish."

I hear him let out a mocking laugh, making me smile.

"Why are you awake?"

I look out across the darkened lake, which has a menacing appearance under the stars, as I wait for his answer.

"Same reason as you." I roll my eyes.

"What a boring answer."

"What would you like me to say, huh?"

I turn towards him and clear my throat as I try to match his deep voice.

"'Well, since you asked Ros, I am out past curfew because I wanted to read my comic book under the moon even though I can't see for crap.'"

Although I can barely see his face, I spot the wide smile that's growing on his tired features.

"I'll make sure to tell you exactly that the next time you ask."

As he answers he takes another puff from his cigarette, causing my stomach to drop. I bring my gaze to the stars and try to find the different constellations to take my mind of the death stick he is using.

"You know those things are going to kill you."

"Kill me? Oh, little Rosyln, I'm going to go out with a bang, not by fucking lung disease."

He takes another inhale of the killing machine to spite me. I bite my tongue.

"How would you like to die then?"

"What?"

"How would you like to die?"

"Well...I would like to go out with my mates. Before I get too old, that's for sure. Maybe when I turn 40. From there, everything goes downhill."

I'm surprised at this. Never in a million years would I have expected to hear Sirius Black quit at anything. Especially living.

"So you have absolutely no wish for immortality?"

"No. And anyone who does is a fool. I want to leave on my own time, my terms. Maybe after a trip to the U.S., or Africa. Or after travelling the world. See everything possible, and then come back here. Maybe knock out a couple brats and work like a muggle for a bit. See how they live. But having to stick around for thousands of years, lose everyone you love, and already have seen everything you can? That sounds way worse than death."

It takes me a minute to fully comprehend what he just said. I mean, I can understand it. Going out on your word, I mean. But dying before you've gotten a chance to grow old with someone? See your kids grow into adults? Miss the lives of your friends? He can't even legally drink yet and he's making plans to die before 50. I'm shocked to say the least.

But I smile as I think of my future. Falling in love. Graduating from Hogwarts. Get butterbeer with Lily. Watching her and James' wedding. See Remus finally be happy. Buying a house. All of it, and I can't imagine missing out on any of it.

"I'm going to grow old. As old as I can get before I'm completely out of it. I want to drink my coffee and read the newspaper after I drop my kids off. Have drinks with Lily and James, sit on the porch with another cranky old person and talk about our long lives, every last drop I can get... You don't want that?"

After realizing I'd been staring off into space, I turn back towards the boy beside me, finding him already looking back. Bloody hell, he's beautiful. No wonder girls pile themselves on top of him. Especially with those eyes. What an arse.

"Of course I want it. I'm not heartless for fucks sake, I want it all. But becoming old freaks me out! My dad died at 50, mum at 60. I'll have to continue the pattern and end at 40. I'm happy with that."

I continue looking at him with hopeless eyes, feeling my nose tingle in tearful anticipation. I stare up at the sky to stop the waterworks, relieved when the horrid sensation goes away.

"How late do you think it is?"

I try to remember what time it was when I left my room, realizing it has to be around 2 a.m.

"Pretty late."

We both sit in silence for a few seconds, but in that short time I find myself calm, and actually tired.

"I think I'm going to stay down here." Sirius announces as he lays down and places his book behind his head.

"I'll only stay for a little bit longer. It's very peaceful."

He hums in agreement, and I can tell he is knocked out now. God I wish I could fall asleep that easily. But I can't.

I rest my head against the bark of the tree and close my eyes, wishing I had brought a blanket with me.

Only for a little bit.

Only a bit...

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