"just" roommates

eight

Ever since my conversation with Hayden the other day, I just can't stop thinking about what she said about polyamorous relationships.

I might be lying if I said I didn't find Sapnap attractive or wouldn't consider dating him.

Maybe that makes me an awful person, but it's hard for me not to feel that way.

Besides, everyone knows that trying to deny your feelings for a person makes them more intense.

If I try to suppress this little crush or whatever you would call it, it is only going to make it worse.

The worst part about this entire thing is that Clay can tell something is bothering me.

He's always been highly vigilant about monitoring my emotions and how I'm feeling, so it's not really surprising that he has noticed.

I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around him because one of these days I know he's going to corner me and ask what's going on.

Sure enough, the day comes quicker than I wish it would have.

The day started out pretty normal.

"Guys, I made breakfast!", I call down the hallway, waiting to see any signs of life.

They both eventually stumble into the kitchen and get food.

"Morning.", I tell them both.

Clay just leans over and presses a kiss to my forehead before immediately digging into his food.

Sapnap justifies me with a little bit better of a response, smiling and offering me his own little greeting.

The rest of the day went about like normal.

Both Clay and Sapnap spend most of the afternoon and day on their computers like always, nothing out of the ordinary.

The first thing that happened that was a little weird happened when I was in the shower.

I always use a speaker when I'm in the shower to listen to music while I shower.

I leave the speaker on the same volume because Clay and I took a minute to test it until we found the perfect volume setting.

So, what I wasn't expecting was for Clay to pop his head into the bathroom while I was showering.

I guess he's made appearances during my showers before, but normally never in the middle.

"Can you please turn your music down?"

His question throws me off.

"What?", I peek my head out around the curtain, not quite sure I heard him right.

"Your music. Can you turn it down please?"

I don't choose to argue at the current moment, instead just turning down my speaker two notches.

The next happened when I made dinner.

"Pizza? Again?", Clay groans as I pull out the leftovers from last night.

"It's just the leftovers. I didn't know you wanted something different. I mean, we can still order something if you want.", I offer, pulling my phone out of my pants pocket.

"No, it's fine.", he mumbles, taking a cold piece back to his office in some form of protest.

Sapnap shoots me a look.

"What's up with him?", I ask Sap, figuring something had happened when they were streaming or filming.

"I don't really know. He's been weird all day.", Sap replies, taking two pieces of pizza for himself.

When it's time for bed and he refuses to be within ten feet of me, I finally give up.

"Clay, what's wrong?", I ask, an accidental sigh following the words.

"Says you! You've been acting so weird since the other day. Are you mad at me?", he questions.

He sits on the edge of the bed, his elbows resting on his knees and head buried in his hands.

"No! No, I'm not mad at you.", I quickly try to assure him, but he doesn't seem to believe me.

"Then what's up with you? You've been, like, ignoring me lately.", Clay groans, a hand running through his hair, leaving little parts spiked up in the wake.

I take a deep breath, trying my best not to freak out.

"Okay, can I tell you what's been bugging me?"

His head immediately snaps to mine.

"Of course you can.", he assures me so seriously that it almost scares me.

"Okay, um...", I'm honestly not sure where to start.

How do you tell your boyfriend that you want to add someone else to the relationship?

"I love you, okay?"

As I watch his face fall, I realize I definitely took the wrong approach.

"No, wait that sounded bad.", I immediately try to make up for my awful start.

"Okay, if you want to end things, can we just get it over with? I hate this part.", he mutters, immediately standing up and beginning to pace.

He paces when he's nervous and knowing that makes me feel worse.

"Clay, I'm not breaking up with you.", I gasp, a little offended that he thinks I would do it like this.

He freezes halfway through a step.

"Then what's the problem?", he stares intensely at me.

"I want to try something new.", I blurt before slapping my hands over my mouth.

Clay looks like he's not sure whether to breathe a sigh of relief or still be concerned.

"Hayden was telling me about-"

He cuts me off by raising his hand up to stop me from speaking.

"What did she put in your head?"

I groan, rolling my eyes.

"You know what polyamorous relationships are, right?", I cannot believe I finally am doing this.

Clay's mouth drops open.

"I knew it.", his eyes narrow.

"Clay, please. Let me explain.", I beg him.

He shakes his head, still processing my question.

"Clay, I just want to explain. Can I?"

He gives me a look, his eyes slightly glassy before he leaves the room.

I hear his office door close and the lock click in place.

I know he needs time, but he didn't let me talk...

Pushing myself up to lean against the headboard, I pull my knees up to my chest and let the tears fall freely from my eyes.

Hopefully we can talk tomorrow.