GRISHAVERSE X READERS

CRACKS OF THE PAST [KAZ BREKKER]

Summary: You find out that Kaz is having nightmares, try to comfort him and that leads to him telling you something he has tried to hide for years.

Characters: Y/N (no pronouns), Kaz Brekker, Jordie Rietveld (mentioned)

Warnings: nightmares, descriptions of death and grieving, angst (hurt/comfort), also this isn't my best work because for some reason I haven't been able to stay focused for very long lately.

Word count: 1.3k

Thunder rattled outside, as you tossed and turned in your bed. Ketterdam was always rainy, and thunders liked to go in circles and ruin your sleep when they occurred.

Kaz was never a good sleeper, always working, but tonight he had fallen to sleep relatively quickly for once. You looked over to his bed and could just hope that thunder wouldn't wake him up. He was facing the wall, and you could only make out his silhouette in the dark room.

A lighting struck, illuminating the whole room and you heard Kaz yelp. You sighed, thinking he had awaken and rose up slightly, holding yourself up with your elbows.

"Jordie..." Kaz muttered, followed by a few whimpers. "I'm so sorry..."

You frowned, but then caught up. It was one of those nightmares again. You had been together with him for almost a year and you had moved into his room at the Slat only a two months ago, but you had already witnessed a dozen nightmares. He always called out to Jordie. You had tried to get him talk about his nightmares, asking him to tell you what were they about, but he always refused, circling around the topic, and you had figured that he'd tell you when he's ready. You hadn't told him what you had gathered from his dreams, fearing that you would push him too much if you did. It was something horrible, something he had tried to hide. He was protecting himself, that much was clear. From the snippets you had gathered from his past, you knew it contained something dark, something he had wanted to bury. And you most definitely didn't want to push him.

Another lighting struck, this time with a loud rumble. Kaz turned to his back abruptly and let out more whimpers.

"Jordie, Jordie... don't leave me..."

Kaz had told you that he wants to get over his nightmares on his own, but this nightmare seemed to be worse than most. You had to help him.

"Kaz?" you called to him softly. He didn't wake up, but he was still shaking. "Kaz!"

He took in a shaky breath and you made your way to his bed, lighting an oil lamp on his night stand. He was sweaty and tears rolled down on his face. You had never seen him like that, and it scared you. You sat down at the edge of his bed and called out to him again.

"Kaz! Wake up!" you raised you voice a bit. "Kaz, you're at the Slat, it's Y/N."

Still no reaction. You swallowed, knowing fully well how much your boyfriend hated touch but you didn't know how else were you going to wake him. So you laid your hand on his pajama sleeve and gave him a gentle shake.

Kaz took in a few quick breaths before his eyes shot open and he launched up on the bed, now breathing erratically and you retreated your hand immediately.

"I'm sorry." you muttered after he laid his gaze on you and could start to even out his breathing. "You were seeing a nightmare again and I couldn't get you wake up with my voice and I didn't want to scream at you either because then the whole Slat would have come to see what's the matter."

Kaz stared at you for a few seconds and then nodded, pressing his lips into a tight line. You looked at his red and puffy eyes, frowning in concern and he averted his gaze away the moment he realized why you were looking at him like that.

"I know you don't want to talk about it, but..."

"That's right." Kaz interrupted you, tossing his blanket aside and taking his cane. "I have work to do. You should sleep."

"Kaz, we've talked about this. We've agreed that you'll even try to open up to me, honesty is one of the-"

"Can we do this later? I have work and you should sleep."

You sighed and nodded. "Okay. But Kaz, it's only three at the morning, you need rest too."

"I've rest enough." he laid his gaze on you as he took his gloves from his nightstand and pulled them on, before turning to you, his cold eyes getting just a slight amount of warmth as he looked at you. "But you, my dear, do need rest."

"You know I'd stay up with force if you needed me. And right now I see you need me and I don't want to leave you sitting here alone." you stubbornly stated and followed him as Kaz started to make his way to his desk with a groan. "Look, I have no idea what's so horrible that you're constantly seeing nightmares about it or that who's Jordie but I know that-"

Kaz stilled, stopping so abruptly that you almost collided with him. And then you realized it, you had spoken Jordie's name.

"Where did you hear that name?" he muttered, looking at the floor. You swallowed.

"You keep saying it when you have those nightmares. You keep saying sorry to someone called Jordie and beg them not to leave you." you explained quietly and Kaz let out a long sigh. You closed your eyes for a moment, before you opened them again to look at your boyfriend, silently begging him to speak to you. "I have already figured that they're someone from your past, from before the "harbor gave birth to you"-thing. Maybe they're the reason why you try to hide your past so hard. They left you and you swore that you wouldn't-"

"He died." Kaz interrupted you, tilting his head slightly towards you and you frowned. "Jordie. He died."

You frowned, taking another step towards Kaz. "Was he your friend?"

"Brother. I looked up to him. Trusted him too much. He was an idiot but little Kaz didn't believe it, being so stupidly naive." he scoffed, looking to your direction a little more but still not meeting your eyes. "He looked after me, tried to make sure I'm safe. But the Queen's Plague made everything come tumbling down and suddenly, I was alone."

You remembered hearing about the Queen's Plague before. You had come to Ketterdam a few years after it had swept over the city, but the destruction it had made was still visible. You had heard it had taken so many lives, and dozens of kids were left orphan because of it.

"How old were you?" you quietly asked.

"Nine." Kaz answered and lifted his gaze to stare at the raging storm outside from the window. You almost saw his thoughts. Kaz Brekker didn't cry when he was lucid, but you could tell that this moment was the closest he could get. You thought about it for a moment, but then you slowly hooked your pinky with his, offering him a soft smile as he turned to look at you. After a moment, he offered you something resembling a smile himself before he briefly squeezed your pinky back and let go.

"I guess I could sleep a while longer. I'll never know if I need it today." he said after a moment of silence, sitting down on the bed and taking his gloves off again. You sat on your own bed and smiled at him as he tucked in again and turned off the lamp.

You heard him shuffling under the covers and took in a deep sigh and let a small smile occupy your face.

"I'm glad you told me, Kaz." you muttered into the dark. He didn't answer anything, but you knew he was glad about it too.

Kaz never said it to your face, but you had saved him so many times. You had taught him to love again, a feeling he was sure he wouldn't be able to feel again. If he got lost along the way, you would get him.

You were his light, guiding him through the stormy seas, who would always bring him home. You would always be there to pull him up if he was going to fall back to the dark waters, and even when he always wondered how did you love someone like him, he couldn't be happier to have you. And you weren't only bringing him home - you were his home.