GRISHAVERSE X READERS

FOOLISH MEMORIES [KAZ BREKKER]

I've been doing bad things that you don't know about / Stealing your stuff now and then / Nothing you'd miss, but it means the world to me - based on the song Jenny by Studio Killers

Summary: You came back to Ketterdam and met your childhood crush by accident, but he's not the same anymore. Now it's time to talk about what has changed.

Pairing: Kaz Brekker x reader

Characters: Y/N (no pronouns), Kaz Brekker, Jordie Rietveld (mentioned)

Word count: 1.4k

You would have never believed you'd someday return to Ketterdam.

But oddly, you had missed the city, missed the memories. Even its rainy weather was something you had missed. In Ravka, it didn't rain that often and when it did, the rain didn't bring up the stench of sewers. Of course you hadn't missed that, but it still brought you even more memories.

You just didn't believe that one of those memories would come to you in form of a person.

After seeing him earlier that day, you had recognized him immediately - Kaz, the boy who you had ran across these same streets fifteen years ago. He had changed a lot, but something in him made you recognize him. And now you had moved to talk about it to Kaz's office, not wanting anyone listening in - potentially recognizing the name Rietveld and connect the pieces.

But he had changed. You had learned that he was called Kaz Brekker now. Dirtyhands. Being feared across Ketterdam, someone parents would scare their children with to prevent then from wandering too far. Everything Kaz Rietveld hadn't been.

"I've done bad things you don't even know about," Kaz mumbled, staring at the document in front of him. "I'm not that little boy who told you that he'd marry you one day anymore." He looked up and met your eyes for a moment before looking away again. "You're better off without me."

You shook your head, sighing. "I don't believe that. You can't change that much, your heart doesn't change even if you tried to change it."

Kaz turned his gaze back to his desk. "I wish I could say the same thing." He picked up the pen and dipped it into the inkwell, making some notes on his paper. "But I can't."

Silence ensued, you didn't really know what to say to him. He leaned back in his chair after finishing with writing those few short sentences, turning his head to stare out the window. The sun was beginning to set, casting long shadows across the city.

"How many years it has been?" Kaz suddenly asked, turning his gaze back to the table, and you thought for a moment.

"About fifteen years, I think." you said. "Why do you ask?"

Kaz stared at the paper in front of him. "Because when we last met, we were innocent, just children. And now..."

"I'm grown up, and so are you," you interrupted. "I'm twenty-five, Kaz. It's been fifteen years since then."

He nodded slowly. "And you've done well with yourself."

You took in a sigh. "Yeah."

Meeting him again after all these years wasn't going as you had thought it would go. Kaz told the truth when he said that he wasn't that boy anymore, who you had missed during all these years living in Ravka. He had changed a lot, he wasn't innocent anymore, nor he was scared. He was the man people were scared of now.

It felt strange to be sitting here, talking to him, knowing that he was that boy you had played with as a child, now turned into someone children like you had been would be scared of, but still feeling safe.

"I want to ask you something," you began.

"Go on," Kaz replied, leaning forward in his chair.

You swallowed. "What happened to you?"

Kaz's jaw immediately clenched, and you knew you had jabbed the wrong place. "Nothing that concerns you," he said curtly.

You sighed and stared out the window, watching the sun dip below the horizon. "I'm sorry. I was just curious," you said quietly. "About how you ended up like this."

"It doesn't concern you," Kaz repeated.

"Okay," you nodded, laying your gaze to your feet, falling silent again.

Kaz started to write to his papers again, and you just sat there in silence, looking at your former best friend working. Would you ever be friends again? Was he even someone you could be friends with?

You frowned at the thought. You wouldn't have believed you'd ever have to ask yourself that question - you had thought that if you ever met Kaz again, he'd smile widely and wrap his arms tightly around you, you'd laugh and tell each other what you had been up to all these years, maybe go to get something small to eat and take Jordie along.

Never had it crossed your mind that he'd be like this if you would meet again - secluded, cold, calculating, and on top of all, extremely feared around Ketterdam and nobody wanted to mess with him. Killing people was his normal task. You didn't recognize the person you once knew in him, but at the same time, you did, in some deranged way.

It was confusing, to say at least. But maybe with time, your relationship would warm up again, maybe you could be friends again? It was wishful thinking, maybe even foolish, but you couldn't help it. You missed him, even if he wasn't that boy you missed anymore.

"I'm intending to stay in Ketterdam, at least for a while," you muttered and Kaz nodded. "If you have any jobs for me... like run errands or cook or serving drinks, I might be up to do them."

Kaz frowned, but didn't look up from his papers. "Didn't take you to be fond of criminal lifestyle."

"This is Ketterdam, Kaz, I'm not a fool. I know that in order to be as safe as possible here, you have to work for something or someone who's feared," you stated, feeling odd to speak with Kaz like it was strictly business. Like you didn't know each other.

And Kaz didn't like your tone either, you had switched it from earlier. From warm and confused to strictly professional. But he did need someone to take care of the bar at the Crow Club - their current barista was about to have a baby in a couple of months and he didn't have anyone to replace her yet.

So he nodded, offering you a handshake. "The bar at the club will need a new host in about a month. Will you take that job?"

You nodded, shaking Kaz's hand, but you noticed that he pulled his hand away hurriedly, with a flinch, like something had stung him. You frowned, but Kaz seemed to jump over the subject.

"You will at the start of next month, then. Our current barista will surely guide you before you'll replace her. I'll arrange a room for you at the Slat," he said, waving his hand and sending you off.

You slowly rose up from your chair, making your way to the door. And while you didn't look, Kaz lifted his gaze to look at you exit his office, a long lost warm feeling passing by his heart - maybe some day, you'd find your friendship again. Maybe it wasn't too late yet... maybe you'd be the one who would pull him out from the waters for good.

He knew it was foolish thinking, but that little, innocent boy, he had had a huge crush on you and really believed that he's going to marry you one day, that nothing could come in between you. It had been so innocent and naive. And then, you moved to Ravka with your parents and he lost Jordie, and became someone Kaz Rietveld and his friend Y/N would have been terrified of - probably Jordie would be terrified too had he survived and appeared to his club. He shivered at the thought.

But you weren't Jordie - even though you had been a bit shaken at first, you then understood that the life at the Barrel had made its job and changed that boy you once knew. A boy without anyone who could care less about him, he had to harden himself up if he wanted to survive. To become someone who was respected, and the way to respect at the Barrel wasn't a pretty way, it was ruthless. Everyone knew that. He would have died without turning out to be like that, because the Barrel has pity for no one, not even children.

You had grown up, but you still had that bright spark in your eyes you already had at ten years old - where he wasn't the same, he had become something much more worse, but still... maybe even Kaz Brekker could befriend Kaz Rietveld's childhood best friend.