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A low hum is all I hear. Like the sound you hear when you put your ear up to a seashell and you hear the sound of the ocean, waves crashing. My head spins wildly, while my heart pounds in my chest reminding me that I am alive. Alive, while she is dying...
"I was diagnosed with congestive heart failure at the age of seven. I was running around with my friends outside when I had this sharp pain in my chest, like someone took a knife and rammed it in my chest. Next thing I know I woke up in the hospital with a new scar and the news that I might not live past my eighteenth birthday" I look as she lifts up the flap of her shirt to reveal a thin line running right below her breast. I want to trace it with my fingertips but I stop myself.
"I didn't notice it last night" I say softly and she smirks, "well we was a little busy" she says and I blush looking down. "They had installed a pacemaker and for a while it worked. I still couldn't do a lot of the things I wanted to but I was alive...but last year I was told that I entered stage four heart failure and that I needed a heart transplant but the thing is more people need heart transplants then it seems like and I am not at the top of the list" she says with a sad smile.
"But you're not dying though, you just need a heart and you will be good" I say and she shakes her head placing a hand on my knee. "You are a cardiologist Jan, you know better than anyone how long people can go with heart failure before their hearts eventually gives out" she says and I nod my head. Unfortunately doing the work that I do I have seen more patients succumb to their disease than survive. I don't want Toni to be one of those people.
"My doctor haven't given me a lot of time which-" "is why you pushed me away. Why you think you are going to break my heart" I say getting it now. "When...if I go I don't want to hurt you when you could be spending this time with someone who is worth your time. Someone who you can build a life with, someone who can die at any minute" she says and I snatch my hand away from her. "Is that what you think of me? That I'm that selfish?!" I ask angrily standing up and she looks up at me confused.
"Jan-" "you think that you don't deserve to live your life like the rest of us, that you can't build a life and be loved like us? Are you even trying to live your life or are you just waiting to die?" I ask and her eyes widens in disbelief. Guilt floods me immediately as she looks away from me towards the window. "Toni I didn't me-" "no, no you're right... I haven't been living my life, I have been spending all my time making sure that when I'm gone the people around me will be okay, my son, sister, Jill. I never stopped to enjoy my own life" she says sadly.
She reaches out her hand towards me and I grab it sitting back down besides her. "That's why I came over today, even though we just met, I really like you Janet. And I want to get to know you, date you, fuck you...because you have made me feel more alive then I have felt since I was a little girl" she says looking straight into my eyes and hers makes me feel like I am looking into a portal to heaven. "I like you too Juicy and I want to do all those things with you also" I say smiling and she gives me a bright one back.
