Not That Lucky

#19: Treading Water In a Turbulent Ocean

A/N: This is one of my top 5 chapters to write from this story. Lemme know what you think!

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"I sat with my anger long enough, until she told me her real name was grief." –Unknown

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My new schedule started with waking up at 6 in the morning to work out. It was like all those times I made fun of Steve for being up so early had come back to bite me in the ass. At least now though, I got to see what made him so sweaty. All I did was some weightlifting and cardio, but this guy ran 30 miles around the city then came back to the training floor to lift 12 times the weight I did, and do some sparring either with the spies or with one of his specially designed punching bags. Just watching him was exhausting.

After working out and cleaning up, I'd spend the next few hours trying to learn how to be a public relations specialist. It involved a lot of googling and YouTube videos which was a little sad on my part. I had already called Beth to let her know she had the job and would start with the New Year. She requested a little information on the Avengers to start spit balling ideas and I happily sent her a few fun facts about the band of merry assholes.

Then by 11:30, I was out of the Tower to talk to Bucky. Talking in the Tower seemed too risky for me. I know JARVIS didn't record anything in our private rooms, but I was still paranoid about it. Luckily, the Avengers recognized that alone time made me incredibly happy and had stopped following me out to the coffee shop I'd go to for my talks.

And talking with Bucky was fun.

Obviously, my main objective was to convince him to come home, but the past three days had been nice. We'd stay on the phone with one another over an hour each time and usually I stopped us because I was afraid an Avenger would come looking for me. Plus, we had both figured out texting too. It was his first time texting, and he picked it up quick whereas I had to struggle to get re-used to typing texts out on something that wasn't a smart phone.

All of that had gone well though. It had been a good week, but now it was Friday. Friday, December 19th, a week from Christmas, and I was spiraling. I expected it. I knew today was going to be a terrible day, it always was, but somehow despite knowing that it still felt like all the air had been punched from my lungs the moment I woke up.

Sixteen years ago today, I lost my mom.

I could still remember the day clearly as if it happened yesterday. Over breakfast we had been talking about going to see a Christmas lights show they always held right outside of my town. It was Aubrey and mine's favorite Christmas tradition. We'd pile in the car and drive through the lights wide eyed and enraptured. We were talking about going, and mom threw up at the table. She hadn't been sick before, there was no warning. Instead of going to see Christmas lights that night, we all sat in a hospital room while my mom slipped away from us. The doctors said it was a bad bug that had gone septic and damaged her organs beyond what they could save.

We didn't celebrate Christmas that year. Dad had tried, but it didn't pan out. He ended up getting drunk at the dining room table, and I held Aubrey while she cried.

"Ms. Bradshaw, Ms. Romanoff would like to know if you are on your way." JARVIS said. I didn't immediately answer. I had woken up at 5:45 to get ready but instead I just sat in my bed staring at the wall. "Ms. Bradshaw, your vitals are stable so I feel no need to alert the Setting Sun protocol, but are you feeling well? You have been staring at the same spot for a prolonged period of time."

"I'm fine, J." I replied and rolled out of bed. "Tell her I'll be there soon."

"Of course."