Where ☹ Muke

XVII ; please come home again.

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I'd padded to my room and realized sleep was going to be a lost cause, the image of Michael was imprinted on the backs of my eyelids. My gaze slowly diverted towards the charred notebook in my grasp, I mean sure it wasn't meant to be read but obviously somebody wanted me to read it, so I decided why not try to.

The worst it could do is make me cry, maybe it would change my perspective of Michael, maybe it would make the rock in my chest feel lighter, it might inspire me to write my own -- I don't know honestly why but I gave it a shot flipping to the first page.

Hi / or is it hey / journal-thingy,

I'm not calling you a diary, I'm already "too gay to function," but um, I'm Michael. Wow I thought I was awkward in person, I didn't think it was possible to be awkward on paper but I mean that's not too big of a deal. I'm rambling aren't I?

Anyway my ( very idiotic ) therapist suggested writing my feeling as progress reports. When he suggested it I literally laughed until I was in tears because honestly I procrastinate anything and everything, and when I do it I suck ass. But here I am doing it anyway.

He said I have to write to somebody important to me, as if they're sitting in front of me and I'm talking to them so I think I'll call you Luke. So I guess I start talking here? Anyway I'm sixteen ( four years since we've held contact Lukey ) and I'm a very suicidal, socially awkward, and homosexual teenage boy. Wow two things you didn't already know on the first page.

So I guess I should explain why I'm writing here huh? Well I'm sitting in a completely white room that's rounded off ( because they think I'll do something stupid ) in a facility where they believe they can "magically cure me" but I know they can't. My main problem is PTS, I've been through a lot and I never bothered to tell you. I also fight depression, anxiety, and bulimia -- I self harm and regulate daily and in a way I hate it, but I also love it.

I don't know it makes me feel alive, but it also makes me feel dead inside ( does that make sense? ) it's like the feeling makes me feel something other than numbness, it takes me out of this dark void and pulls me into a slightly twisted reality, but it makes me realize how far I have to go to feel.

Anyway I'm supposed to use this to keep record of myself, so I guess I could check myself to put in the stupid data for this damned therapist ( dear god I hate him. )

Clean : 0 days
Weight : 105 lbs
Mood : I just want to die honestly

With love,
Mikey xX

My eyes widened as they slowed over the words he'd written, there's no way he could physically survive like that, I'm sure many people like this but it hurts knowing he felt that low about himself. The thing that seemed to kill me the most was his philosophy of feeling alive, or maybe it was the fact that a six-foot sixteen year old boy weight 105 pounds.

The next entry that really caught my eye was about three months later, and rather heartbreaking.

Dear Lukey,

Well I may be leaving here in a week, I guess that's something exciting but I don't know if it will happen -- I try not to get my hopes up anymore. It would be nice to get out for a while ( preferably forever ) seeing as I rarely get to leave and when I do they're constantly watching me.

I feel like a child nowadays.

It's not like I'm going to kill myself with a cup of Starbucks, I simply don't understand why they're so concerned -- sure I've attempted things multiple times but it doesn't mean locking me away is going to make me more of an average teenager.

I just want you Luke.

Why can't they understand how much better I would feel with you by my side because you make me feel something nobody else has ever done. I don't know what it is but it makes me feel nice ( like bubbly where my stomach hurts and my smile won't fade. ) something about you is different and it makes me feel -- I don't know, simply alive.

When you were with me I was happy and without you I feel like I'm withering away, but the good news is I should be back in about two weeks and I'm excited. When I see you I'll make sure to hug you so tightly were practically be conjoined, I'll make sure you feel how much I love you. Most of all I'm going to make sure you never lose me, because I never want to leave you Lukey.

Clean : 4 days
Weight : 106 lbs
Mood : a bit too elated to see you

With love,
Mikey xX

Do you hear a heart cracking too?

How can this sweet, innocent boy be the one I managed to hate for something neither of us can control, hell -- how could I have hated him in the first place? See that's the thing that I hate the most about myself, that I put others in pain when they deserve anything but it. Michael only deserved cuddles and kisses, just loads of affection but I didn't give him that. And now it's too late.

But the biggest question I have in mind is, did he break his promise to me -- did he try to leave again?