I LOVE YOU, BUT YOU'RE NOT MINE
Every Halloween, Camilla Wilson turns another year older. Another year of her life waiting for James Potter to love her.
[COMPLETED]
OCTOBER 31ST, 1976 tw // smut, brief mention of sa
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CAMILLA HATES TO SEE JAMES CRY. She has only ever seen him so upset once or twice before. There is a brief moment of happiness that she feels knowing that James must trust her so much to let her see him like that. It is selfish to find something positive in the pain of another person but Camilla cannot help it. James went to her for comfort. He did not go to Sirius or Remus or Peter or Lily. While the rest of his friends are drinking in the common room, he brings Camilla up to his dormitory.
They are alone together. James cannot dart his eyes around the room in search of Lily because she is not there. He has no choice but to look at Camilla.
"Is everything alright, James?" She asks, already knowing the answer.
He shakes his head and attempts to stop crying.
"Millie... do you know what it's like to love someone who won't ever feel the same?" He asks.
She nods, almost eagerly. "Yes. I do. It's so painful."
"I know you do. I don't know why I asked."
"You know what?" She asks with a mix of nerves and relief.
He takes a deep breath and leans closer to her. He is not crying anymore, but his brown eyes are still brimmed with tears. They lock eyes and somehow realize a jarring truth about one another from a single glance. Camilla would do anything for James and he has realized it.
"I love you," she blurts out. There is no regret in her words, only truth.
James smiles softly and nods. "I know. I love you too."
He then kisses her. Camilla has never been kissed before by anyone else but she knows in that moment she was not made to. Her lips were made for James Potter's lips. As he kisses her deeper and deeper, she knows that she is not the one he wishes to be with in that moment. She doesn't really care, though. She lets James kiss her. She lets James lie her on her back on his bed and kiss her all over.
"Has anyone ever kissed you before? Besides me that one time?" James pauses to ask.
Camilla says no one has because it's the truth.
James then asks if she is okay with him kissing her and she says yes. He smiles when she does and places his lips on her neck. It is such a wonderful feeling for Camilla. She knows it is temporary. She knows that in the morning he will go back to loving Lily and only being a friend to Camilla. If being with James means she can only have him for a night where he is sad and she is there, then so be it. She would rather have his body than half of his heart. She wants something whole and complete.
"You're very beautiful," he says as his hand slips under her skirt. "Is this alright?"
"Yes," she answers, almost robotically. She has never told James "no" before about anything and she doesn't intend to start now.
His hand doesn't stop until he reaches her inner thigh.
She isn't quite sure why James is doing what he's doing but she is alright with it. If he's using her to forget about Lily then it's fine by her because at least he's forgotten about her even if it's fleeting.
Camilla knows she'll cry when he leaves but until then she plans to enjoy every second.
James begins to unbutton her blouse and kisses her down her chest as he does.
Camilla is not stupid. She understands that she is going to have sex with James and she is fine with it. She's only ever heard Mary's daunting tales of the act yet feels prepared.
James completely removes her shirt and then his own. His body is so beautiful that Camilla is afraid if she touches it he will crumble like a beautiful yet delicate work of art.
He is very intimate and particular with where he plants kisses on her body as she lays there. He will kiss her on her neck and then her jawline and then her shoulder before dipping down to the valley of her breasts and then he'll meet her lips.
His left hand is still placed between her legs but it has been there so long she barely notices it. She is reminded it's there when he begins tugging at her underwear. Camilla is slightly embarrassed to be so exposed now. She doesn't dislike it, but she worries James might.
Camilla keeps her eyes on James, afraid if she even blinks she will be deprived of a lifetime of his beauty. She watches as he removes his belt. She almost flinches at the sound, but sharply inhales instead. Her nerves risk ruining everything for her. James doesn't seem to notice though. He takes off his trousers and grabs a condom from his bedside table. Camilla tries not to be upset to see how prepared he is. She knows he has those because he is waiting for the day it is Lily in his bed instead of Camilla.
He asks if she's alright with what they're about to do and she says yes once again.
A sharpness fills her abdomen, but it is not painful. It takes a few seconds to get used to the feeling and as she does her eyes begin to water instinctively. She lays there for a bit relishing in the fact that she does not even need to do anything for James to feel pleasure.
Her hands move to his arms as she has the sudden urge to hold on to something. Her fingertips turn white from the pressure she is putting on them from how tight her grip is. James has very strong arms and Camilla wishes to be held by them one day.
"Is this alright?" He asks.
Camilla nods and takes a deep breath. "Perfect."
"Good."
She's treating her body like an item of property to be auctioned off to whichever sad soul wants it most. She's glad that it's James because she couldn't imagine anyone else inside her. He fits perfectly in her abyss of sadness. Camilla knows that they're made for each other and she wishes James would know it too.
"Do you want it like this? Would you rather lay on your stomach? I've heard that hurts less."
"However you want it."
Her face is against the mattress now. Nothing feels any different except now James doesn't have to look her in the eyes. It's easier for him to picture Lily underneath him. The lights are dim and James can always close his eyes.
It begins to feel better after a while. James finishes just as it does. He asks her if she did as well and she says yes even though she didn't.
That is not the first time James and Camilla sleep together. It becomes a common occurrence as they both slowly deteriorate emotionally from the suffocation unrequited love. Camilla no longer feels whole. She feels as if she's given James every bone in her body. It is okay though because her body has always belonged to him and it's only fair. Her father was a cruel man who misused her body in many ways so for once it is nice to be touched with her permission.
She knows that James is only sleeping with Camilla to forget about Lily. Camilla is the only one to understand James emotionally so that is probably why he chose her.
They talk after sex a lot. It isn't even about Lily most of the time, which is nice. They talk about the war and their families and school and the future.
