I LOVE YOU, BUT YOU'RE NOT MINE
Every Halloween, Camilla Wilson turns another year older. Another year of her life waiting for James Potter to love her.
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CAMILLA SITS IN THE CORNER OF THE ROOM NEXT TO MARY. Across the room in the middle of the crowd is James and Lily. They've been together since last April. Camilla hasn't slept with James since last April. Lily doesn't know and if James can help it she'll never know.
Camilla is happy for them. Although she feels slightly betrayed. James told her she was his and he was hers but that all changed when Lily said "yes".
It hurts. It's killing her. She's happy for them, she really is.
She's glad that it's Lily who James ends up with and not some other girl. If it isn't going to be Camilla she thought it better be someone who James actually loves. He isn't breaking Camilla's heart for the hell of it. She can respect that.
"You deserve better than him," Mary says out of the blue, causing Camilla to break away her gaze from Lily and James.
"I wish you could've told me that ages ago," she sighs.
"She knows, by the way. Everyone knows you and James slept together. She doesn't care."
"Okay."
Mary continues, "I wish I would've said something sooner to help you get over him. I'm a shit friend. Do you want to live with me once school is over? Nothing fancy. A cheap flat in London will do until we're rich and famous."
Camilla chuckles, "I'd love to. I'm a shit friend too. I never said anything during the whole Sirius situation."
"If you'd said anything I would've ignored you anyway. It doesn't matter now since I've decided to swear off men for the rest of my life."
Camilla finds that an interesting proposition for a girl like Mary. Mary has never not had a boyfriend since she was maybe thirteen. Boys were always stumbling out of their room at random hours. Mary never seemed happy with the whole thing though. She was one to prefer time with her friends.
"Would you like to get a cat?" Camilla asks.
"Let's name him Victor," Mary nods.
Camilla is eighteen now. She needs to let go of childish feelings. She'll never not love James but she is coming to the realization that she is not worthless and can find someone who loves her.
Her mother never loved her, her father never loved her, and James never loved her in the way she wanted. Her friends love her though. Mary loves her and Marlene loves her and Sirius and Remus and Peter love her and even Lily loves her despite all the reasons she shouldn't.
Love is not one thing and Camilla is ignorant to believe otherwise.
So on her eighteenth birthday she decides to love more than James. She loves the rain and the snow and the sun. She loves seeing her friends play Quidditch and she especially loves seeing them win. She loves the food she eats both at mealtimes and inbetween. She loves that she decided that after school she wants to work at the Prophet after school is out. She doesn't want to even write... maybe take pictures or something. Camilla wants hustle and bustle in her life because besides loneliness, boredom is her worst fear.
There is something called The Order of the Phoenix that she has been invited to join. It's meant to help the war and Camilla is thrilled to be part of it.
The party has fizzled down and once again the evergreen group of friends is sitting on the floor in a circle on Halloween night. The realization has hit them that they are growing up and things are going to change.
"I always would talk about how excited I was to leave this place and grow up and now... I don't think I want to leave," James says.
"Speak for yourself," Peter chuckles.
"I agree with James." Camilla nods. "This place has kept us safe for so long I don't know what we'll do without it."
"Fend for ourselves, I suppose," Sirius says while pressing a metal flask to his lips.
Camilla doesn't want to fend for herself until she realizes that's what she's been doing for eighteen years. She had to parent herself, raise herself. Life had dealt Camilla a very shitty hand of cards yet she was still functioning.
She fell in love with James who fell in love with Lily and she had the worst parents and was put into a world she didn't quite understand in the middle of a war. Yet she had still managed to make great friends and get good marks and be a kind person. That was really all that mattered.
That summer Camilla moves in with Mary, she joins the Order of the Phoenix, and she gets a job at a small magazine called The Quibbler. It isn't quite the Prophet but the hustle and bustle is all the same.
For once in her life, she is happy.
A/N:
i lied abt the longer chapters because i decided a few days ago that i'm gonna try to study abroad over spring break in london and need to write a bunch of scholarship essays but i was meant to finish this book days ago oops
